Be happy being you

Well I finally thought of something not so religious to write about! This is more about a certain aspect of my Senior year that was really hard for me to cope with, but that I am slowly overcoming, which is why I thought it would be appropriate for me to put in here.

The summer before my Senior year I ran every day for about 1-3 miles. It was generally about 2. I ate less than 1500 calories, healthy calories too, a day. By the end of the summer I hadn't lost a single pound. I felt a little better but my self-confidence was still very, very low. I didn't understand why my body wouldn't let me lose weight. I felt like I was huge and that people were judging me on a daily basis because of my weight.

My mom finally took me to a doctor to get some blood work done. But nothing really showed up. So my mom finally agreed to let me try the HCG diet. It worked for her, so why not me? Well the first 3 weeks were great, I lost 20 pounds. The next 6 weeks were hell. On this diet you are required to weigh yourself every single day. And almost every single day I was gaining all the weight back despite doing exactly what I was supposed to. I would cry every morning when I stepped onto that scale. My mom didn't know what to do and tried to comfort me in whatever way she could. But I still felt huge and judged. During this time I was also having friend and school trouble, but that's for another post.

 Well that one doctor turned into many doctors that were constantly testing my blood for things. We thankfully had a general idea of what was wrong because my mom has thyroid problems and PCOD. But whenever we tested for these things nothing 'wrong' actually showed up.

My mom took me to some specialist guy who tested my blood (shocker huh?) and when he looked at my thyroid levels he discovered the problem. My thyroid stuff was in the normal level, but on the very edge of the normal range. The range is from like .04 until like 2 or 3 point something. I was at the high end and the optimum level is about 1.0. So I was put on Levothyroxin (generic Synthroid) and told that I can try HCG again and this time it would work. This is about December/January.

I did the HCG and the same thing happened. Except in those 6 hellish weeks I gained more than I had lost. I was one heck of a depressed puppy! All self-confidence just down the drain and I didn't understand. Everything was supposed to be fixed. I felt like I was drowning. It made me scared to eat anything. I would eat, but minuscule amounts and basically just protein and the occasional fruit. More doctors and more blood work...

One doctor finally decided to test some of the more obscure hormone type things that when they are screwed up it means you have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Disease (PCOD). Which terrified me. To me, that meant I would have an insanely hard time having kids one day and losing weight would be next to impossible. No matter what medication I was on I would never be able to achieve what I wanted most, because that was what happened to my mom. Well the blood work came back. I have poly-cystic ovarian disease. I was devastated but I didn't want my parents or the rest of family to know how upset I was. So I acted all happy that I finally had medication to help me out.

This time was all just hell for me. (Sorry I have used that description a lot, but it's very, very true). School was stressful, figuring out which college to go to sucked, friend situations in certain areas weren't so good, and the medication didn't really help. I still couldn't lose weight. (This is about March, April, May now). Graduation was kind of embarrassing for me. It seemed to people that didn't know the situation that was going on with me medically, that I would lose weight, then give up and just gain it all back and by graduation I was bigger than I had been at the beginning of the school year came. And I was still basically just eating a little protein and fruit.

During the summer I kind of said screw it all. I just gave up and acted like a normal person. Did I always feel guilty if I ate even the smallest carb. or treat without some protein to go along with it? Yes. Very much so. But I did it anyway because I was sick of my body doing what it shouldn't be doing. Singing my little sisters to sleep at night was sometimes one of the hardest things for me to do. The entire time I was thinking that this was either close to my last time singing to them since I was leaving for Wyoming for college, or that I would never have the opportunity to do this with my own children.

Then I went to college. Self-esteem still low and definitely not improving. I had dance classes where I felt like everyone was watching me and judging me for how much I sucked and how fat I was. First semester was miserable. Over Thanksgiving Break I checked the scales and I had actually lost a good 5 pounds. (Yay dance classes!!) but I still wasn't anywhere near comfortable in my own skin and I actually had a check- up with the doctor that told me I had PCOD. So I told her I still wasn't happy with myself. She gave me this other medication, that can make you less hungry and have more energy. So I had tons of energy while I did my dance classes and I ate as little as I could get away with without the people around me thinking I was anorexic. And it worked. By Christmas Break I had lost a total of 10-15 pounds and by the end of Christmas break I was about 25 pounds lighter (without exercising at all over the month long break) than I had been at the beginning of the semester.

I also learned over the break that my PCOD really won't prohibit me from having kids. It will be a little harder yes, but I can still have them. Everything seemed to be looking up for me.

But I had a problem. I was basically anorexic and I think I was very close to depression. There were a few times I almost had a friend take my knives away from my room. He never knew that, but it went through my head a couple times. I knew I needed to fix it, so I stopped taking the new medication and started trying to eat like a normal healthy person. I am now in three dance classes, plus I exercise and eat as healthy as I possibly can. And I have gained about 5 pounds back, but I look better and feel better. I have decided to accept myself at the weight I am. All I need to do is think about the friends I have that love me. The friends that stuck with me throughout this entire mess, or the little bit of time they knew me throughout this mess, even if they didn't know what was going on. I just need to remember my family and how much they love me and wouldn't want me to suffer. I know I am loved for who I am. Will they love me any less if I weighed more? No. Is it still a constant struggle to be okay with my weight? Yes. And I think it always will be. I will always work my butt off to try and lose more weight and to be as healthy as I can be.

This Spring Break I went to the doctor again, and when I told her how much better I felt and that I stopped with the one medication, she actually has taken me off of two more of my medications, including the one for PCOD. She did some blood work and I am still waiting for the results of that, but we are going to try keeping me off for another month and then do some more blood work and see how I feel then. This is a struggle I am going to have to fight with for my entire life, but I know I can do it. I just need to remember to love myself, which is never an easy thing to do.