Chasing Dreams: The Impetus
Adventure of the Lil' Sushi Roll: Year One
August 30th, 2017: Still living in Buena Vista, VA. I had graduated from SVU in May of 2014. I felt stagnant. Stuck. I wanted to get out of my rut, but I didn't know how, where, or when. I was just stuck. I planned a last minute trip to see my family in Utah. I was missing them and going through some hard things. I wanted a break and I wanted to be with the people that I know love me more than anything in the world. So I called my mom. We made a plan to go camping while I was home. August 30th, 2017 is the day my flight left from DC (I think... It could have been Roanoke... I did a lot of flying when I lived in Virginia) to see my family for about a week. One of my dearest friends graciously took me to the airport after bribing him with a free meal at his restaurant of choice when I got back ;). On my last flight, I was crying. I had an entire row to myself (not why I was crying). I laid down and pretended to sleep while silently letting the tears flow down my face as I prayed and prayed and prayed. I begged to know what I needed to do, I begged to know how to get out of my rut, I didn't want to feel this way and I needed something new, but I was scared of the new and unknown, so I prayed for courage. I prayed until I drifted to sleep.
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| Obviously distraught. ;) |
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| I love the sky. |
Later that night: My flight landed. I turned on my phone to tell my family where I was. My phone flickered to life and I had 2 texts and a voicemail. 1 text from an old friend I hadn't talked to since he told me about having the opportunity to direct Secret Garden at Brigham's Playhouse. The other text and the voicemail from an old college professor from my days in Wyoming who now owns his own theatre in Washington, UT called Brigham's Playhouse. This was a place I wanted to be before I even finished my degree. Then I got my degree and felt like I needed to stay after a lot of self-evaluation and prayer. I continued to see Brigham's Playhouse as a "someday" goal. I was shaking as I opened the texts. The one from Dale (friend) was deceivingly chill. Just a quick "hey, how are you?" (Turns out he was the male lead in She Loves Me- which will make sense in a second.) The one from Jamie (professor and friend) was asking me to check my voicemail and inviting me to join the family at Brigham's. The voicemail was similar, but held more detail. He explained that their lead in She Loves Me was no longer their lead and he thought, "If I could have anyone come play this part, who would I want?" And I came to mind. He laughed. (He'd been trying to get me out there off and on for almost 4 years, but something always kept me in BV). He decided to try. He had wanted an answer in about 20 minutes before rehearsal started. Little did he know I was already on my way to SLC and couldn't check my phone because I was in the air. I had been traveling all day and most the night, but I knew this was it. I knew this was an answer to prayer. But I was scared. I was scared and reluctant to leave where I was "comfortable". I immediately called my mom even though I knew I was going to see her in about 45 minutes and told her everything. Thank heavens for good, kind, and perfect mothers. She didn't pressure me one way or the other. She let me talk through it as I switched from excited to panicked in the same breath. After I got off the phone I sent a text back to Jamie telling him where I was, how long I would be there, why I hadn't answered, and that I was very interested, but still unsure. He sent a quick reply telling me to sleep on it and let him know the next day. I couldn't sleep. But I prayed. Goodness I prayed. I thanked him for the answer, but also begged for the courage to take this next step in my life. I am not a very courageous person. I would love to be, but I am not. I talked with my parents. I prayed some more and finally slept. In the morning as I was getting ready for the camping trip with my family I sent Jamie a reply telling him I would love to, but I couldn't be there until September 12th (had to finish my trip, pack everything in Virginia, and then fly back), that I needed to be able to go to my little sister's wedding in October, and other minor details. He called me while I was at the store shoving a grocery cart full of Waffle Crisp for friends back in Virginia and we hammered out the details. My heart was pounding, I was shaking, but I still knew that this was right. I let people know individually as I could, then I was out of service for 4-5 days and had a downloaded script to start memorizing. Then I made a large announcement on Facebook and returned to my home (Buena Vista) for the last time (as my home anyway).
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| Pretty sure I bought 12 of these? And put them all in a carry on for friends in VA. :D |
September 7th-11th, 2017: I spent these next few days packing, finding someone to buy my lease, to take my job, to hold my things until I could come back for it, to find a ride from SLC to St. George, etc. I had friends that helped me make sure most of my BV Bucket List was fulfilled and that I felt loved and supported through this change. Miracles didn't stop happening. Everything just worked out. Even my phone breaking wasn't a problem. Everything worked out. The Lord knew I needed at least these things to work or I might panic. It was hard enough saying goodbye to the people and places I had grown to love so much over the last 5 years spent on the East Coast. But I did it.
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| Kabuki with friends. BV Bucket List item! |
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| Burning Old' Bessie. We'd been wanting to do it since March. |
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| These be good people. |
September 12th, 2017: "Oh Shenandoah, I long to see you..." Way too late in the night/early in the morning that same friend that took me to DC took me to the Charlottesville airport. He had been a rock for me during the last 3 years in BV. I think I needed that rock to keep up my courage as I walked into the airport and said goodbye to the life I had grown used to. I traveled all night with some tears and landed in Salt Lake City. My dad was there to take me the rest of the way to St. George. We had a great talk for those 4-5 hours and I tried to keep memorizing lines between conversations.
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| Like I said, WAY too early in the morning. But I'm eternally grateful for this friend of mine. |
3:00pm- arrived at the Young home where I was planning on staying until the end of She Loves Me.
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| Enough said. |
October 5th, 2017: Opened She Loves Me. I hadn't felt this much like myself in so long. I was still rusty, but I had a blast playing on that stage and letting myself be free and explore the character and story. By the end of the run I couldn't tell what part of the character was Amalia and what part was me. And I loved it. I was back in my element.
October 20th: My little sister got married and I was able to pick up my new-to-me car.
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| Her name is Billie. And I love her. |
November 11th-end of November: She Loves Me closed. I didn't quite know what I was going to do, but I knew I wanted to stay. But life was back to being very uncertain and it was quite nerve-wracking. I helped with the Gala to announce the new season and I performed in our fundraiser "Performing with the Stars" and then immediately left with my dear friend Lainie to take a crazy road trip in the first week or so of December to go get my stuff I'd left in an attic in BV and to say "hello/goodbye" to people one more time.
^not even half the humans I saw and said hello/goodbye to. Lainie and I with ice cream, the Rasmussen clan (my Bishop and his family from when I was a Gospel Doctrine teacher and then RS Pres), the best roommate and travel buddy ever Rebekah Taylor, Eric Hanson- voice teacher and friend extraordinaire, and Caleb Dransfield- one of the good ones.
mid-December 2017-January 2018: I was asked to stage manage The Big Five-Oh. It was a first for me and I was terrified (this is a theme, if you can't tell), but I agreed to do it. I learned a lot and thankfully it was a small, forgiving cast to learn with. :)
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| I drew those pinstripes with a Sharpie and a yardstick... |
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| These name tags are coveted, don't ask how I got one. ;D |
February 2018: I started working in the Box Office to help with bills. Then I was blessed with the opportunity to audition for and be cast in a show I thought would only ever be a dream for me to do. I was cast as Jerusha Abbott in Daddy Long Legs and it was So. Dang. Hard. It was worth it and I would do it all over again (I don't know if the others would... but I would!). Jerusha was one of the most healing and powerful roles I've ever had the opportunity to play. I had to really delve into myself and re-learn how to let myself be vulnerable and open to hard things. We performed February 23-March 24.
March-May 2018: I stage managed performances of Our Town and Bye Bye Birdie (and was an emergency only understudy for one of the characters in Bye Bye Birdie, but I was thankfully never needed seeing as how I had NO rehearsal time!!). These were not my favorite times or jobs. But they were chock-full of learning, new people, and growing experiences I needed. I appreciate having them, but don't need to repeat them if possible. :) I also joined a gym sometime in here. I think it was in April? I started working with a personal trainer.
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| Painted all the things gray for Our Town. All. The. Things. |
May 2018: In May I auditioned for South Pacific (also at Brigham's Playhouse) and was cast in the role of Ensign Nellie Forbush. This audition actually meant SO much to me. I tend to downplay my talent and actually believe I'm not very good. I think I get cast because I "know the language", they know me, and I sing well, not because I'm actually able to do it all well. This audition was not for anyone from Western Wyoming or Southern Virginia. This was in front of a whole new team. Some had seen me perform before, but none had seen me audition and none had seen me dance, do monologues outside a show, etc. Getting cast in this show as the female lead did leaps and bounds for my confidence. I don't pick up movement quickly and I am not the best dancer. However, I am also not horrible. If given time to practice or being given trust and the belief that I can do it well in time as I practice on my own, I can do rather well. But after some experiences and some trusted people telling me that I wasn't good and trying to keep me out of dance numbers in shows or just flat out treating me like an idiot, I began to again believe I was really bad at it. And it stuck in my head for a good 4-6 years. I had to do a dance callback for South Pacific and I was scared silly. But I held my own and I was cast. I know the other 3 called back for Nellie all out-danced me, but I held my own. This was a big moment for me. It seems silly, but it was. We began rehearsals in July so hold on tight for the rest of the story!
June 2018: Kid's Camp began! I spent the first 3 weeks as lead-teacher (should have been Glo... I had no idea what I was doing! Haha!). In the mornings the kids took 3 hours of classes. They had acting, musical theatre, dance, and technical theatre to choose from. I had 2 musical theatre classes and an acting class. This was my first time teaching in a class-like setting that wasn't church. This was really hard. But again, I learned a lot and I think I could handle doing this again. Then they had a break for lunch and then they rehearsed for Seussical Jr. in the afternoons for 2.5 hours. These kids did such a good job with the show! I loved watching, but I also loved having a break in my afternoons when I wasn't working Box Office. Then I took a brief trip home during their tech week- the first tech week since Big Five-Oh where I wasn't attached to Tonya's side helping with whatever needed help. It was lovely having the choice to go visit my family. I considered a trip to Virginia for that week, but decided my family (and saving money) trumped.
July 2018: Auditions for Beauty and the Beast Jr. And I was directing. I had EIGHTY kids to use and choose from. EIGHTY. All of them could have been used for so many roles! We decided to double cast so I had 2 casts of 40. With 2.5 hours a day for 5 days a week for 3 weeks. And my first time directing. My stage manager's first time stage managing. We had Saturday and Sunday to cast all of these wonderful kids. Hectic doesn't even begin to explain how those first few days felt! BUT my rehearsal team was priceless and helped me every step of the way. These kids worked SO hard and I am so unbelievably proud of them. They taught me what it means to become child-like and to have charity and love for everyone. They knew nothing about me and they loved me with their whole hearts. Especially after we opened, any time they saw me they had to smile, run to me, give me a hug, tell me about their day, their performances, etc. It was magical and made me tear-up more times than I can count. In July we also started rehearsing for South Pacific! Lots of fluctuations with confidence here. I also had to try and break out of my little introverted box quite a bit. I knew 2 people in the cast and the stage manager. And the director (I had stage managed him when he was in Big Five-Oh). My little introverted self really struggled to find different mental blocks I had to take down in order to portray Nellie with as much truth as I could.
August 2018: I still work in the Box Office, we opened South Pacific on August 23rd and I have never let myself have this much fun on stage. I have discovered I am generally a "reactor" not an "actor". This show has forced me to be an "actor" if I wanted to explore with new choices. And the guy playing Emile takes it all in stride and plays right along! It's been a blast! I have made friends and acquaintances within the cast and have a ball. I look forward to these performances and am sad I only have 6 left at the time I'm writing this! Nellie has taught me so much about love, acceptance, forgiveness, optimism, and fun. In addition to the Box Office I also still teach! On August 20th we started up this term's Theatre Academy at Brigham's Playhouse! I teach 3 singing classes (7-9 year olds, 10-12, and 13-18), the teen (13-18) musical theatre class, and the adult acting class (18+). The singing classes unnerve me and I am struggling finding a curriculum and activities that I am passionate about and can make fun for the kids, but I am learning. I am still learning and loving with the musical theatre and acting classes, but they are significantly easier than the singing classes for me! These classes will go until mid-December and will culminate in a showcase for the classes. Then they start up again in January I think! Money is always tight in the theater world so I have also started donating plasma. I don't recommend it. It's decent money and it's easy money, but it isn't exactly pleasant. If you decide to do it though, hit me up and I can get you a buddy pass so we both get more money for the pleasure of having a needle in our arms for an hour (or in my case an hour and a half). 😂 I also weighed myself for the first time since going to the gym and working with a personal trainer since clear back in April. Gained 10-15 lbs. Checked body fat percentage and it's still more than it should be. Gained lots of anger and frustration, but I try to recognize that I am stronger and more fit. But the results I want and need to mentally let myself chill out aren't there.
September 12th, 2018: Here it is. The one year anniversary. Today I am reminiscent of my year and of the things I have learned, the people I have met, and the experiences I have had. I couldn't have imagined all of this on this day 365 days ago. I have become a better person in some ways and not so much in others. But I see it and recognize where I need to direct at least the "good person" part of my life. :) A few days ago I applied for a "Muggle job" as a bookseller at Barnes & Noble. Probably won't pan out, but at least I'm trying to find ways that I would hopefully enjoy to earn the money I need to pay all the bills and continue to have a savings and to still perform. I'm also looking at applying for a nursery (one for plants... not little children) out here. Performing is where I find myself the happiest and feeling the most fulfilled. I feel like I am touching lives and making a difference as I perform trying to utilize all the techniques and skills I have been taught. Today after my shift at the Box Office and my classes I teach, I am running auditions and then auditioning for A Christmas Carol written by Jamie Young based off of Charles Dickens' novel. I am contemplating what to do about grad schools. I want to audition, but the past 3 years have been one upset after the other. But I know I need to keep trying if I want to succeed. Do I register for URTA again this year? Do I have the money to audition and apply for all these schools? I know the Lord has a plan for me. I am full of faith and love for the upcoming year. Of course I have my doubts, my fears, etc, but I am doing everything I can to not let them hold me back from the kind of life I want to have and to live. My goal is to continue being involved in theatre, but to find more time to travel. I need to learn to be better at saying "no". I also need to be better at saying "yes".
All of these random "life events/milestones" in the past year don't even begin to encompass the friendships I have made, the feelings I have had of joy, anger, frustration, overwhelmed, grateful, giddy, excited, put-out, etc. It's been such a human year for me. That maybe sounds strange, because I have obviously always been human, but I wasn't feeling human before this year. September 12th, 2017 changed my life. I can't say it happened immediately, but it started the process. Before September 12th, 2017 I often told my friend and confidante that I wanted to be a tree. Just a tree or a cloud that could watch my family and friends and see their successes and their failures and to cheer them on from afar. But I just wanted to watch. I didn't want to feel anymore. I didn't want to die and I definitely wanted to exist, but I was sick of how I felt in life. I was tired, I was hurt, I was drained. I worried my poor and wonderful friend sick. I can't imagine the pain HE felt watching me say that I didn't want to take part in what makes us human. But I'm grateful that he didn't give up on me and that he supported my decision to leave my "safe place" and is still a rock in my life and still challenges me to do things that are hard for me (but good). I still have those days that I don't feel too human, but they are far outnumbered by the days where I don't feel like that. I'm alive, I exist, and I feel. And I want to keep that up. This year has been SO hard in so many ways, but I wouldn't trade it to be a tree. I wouldn't trade it to be a cloud watching from afar. I am here. I am present. And I want to stay that way. I'm almost positive Jamie Young had no idea how much he was changing my life with that single phone call on August 30th, 2017. I didn't know how much he was changing my life. But it did. Go do the thing. Chase dreams. Believe in yourself. Be passionate about something and let it guide your heart and your choices. Who knows what kind of marvelous things it will do for you?
Thank you Jamie Young. Thank you Brigham's Playhouse. Thank you Caleb Dransfield. Thank you Dale Hoopes. Thank you Gloria Morin. Thank you Young Family. Thank you MY family. Thank you BPH Family. Thank you Bri Bedore. Thank you Tonya Christensen. Thank you Rebekah Taylor. Thank you Katie DeLaMare, Lainie Thompson, Joanna Armstrong, Chrissy Egbert. Thank you Eric Hanson. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This list could go on and on and on and on. Thank you to my Virginia and Utah families, many by blood and many not. Your love and support are always noticed, always appreciated, and always needed to be freely given to everyone around you. Maybe you can unknowingly be the start of someone's September 12th. Thanks for a wonderful ride this year. Bring on the next!
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