Chasing Butterflies

Well it is 3:30 am. I'm a wee bit terrified to walk home in the dark to my home where the door is probably locked and I don't have my key. I can't seem to fall asleep. And I'm cold. Sooo what's better to do than blog?! Actually, I was doing something better... I was making CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!! I love Christmas. I love giving those I love presents, notes, and joy!!! This is why it is my favorite time of year. I also really needed to use it as a distraction. I believe the reason I can't fall asleep is because I am scared of the images that will come to my head as I dream. As I was making my Christmas presents for some friends and family, I decided I wanted to know exactly what had happened in the Connecticut shooting today since everyone was talking about it. Bad idea. I remember after I watched Schindler's List and had seen some pictures of people with disabilities with awful comments I was a mess and couldn't really sleep well for awhile (see Safe Hav

I feel as though I say this every couple of months... but it has been far too long since I have written! I will try not to make this one too long. I've discovered I am really bad at writing in my blog (and journal) when I don't feel like I am in a very happy or spiritual place physically, psychologically, emotionally. Coming to SVU has been one of the hardest things in my life. Things are SO different here, I stick out like quite the eye sore, and there is SO much conformity. It drives me nuts and makes me yearn for home and familiar people more than I ever have in my life. On the plus side, I have embodied even more of my crazy by coming here because the conformity drives me so insane! So I used to do some fun, odd eye make-up? Well now it is super fun and crazy with lipstick and wacky hair-dos. I'm loving that part of my experience. The more weird looks I get in a day, or the more people I can get to appreciate some weirdo outfit, the better. *disclaimer* this is not

So I had this draft of a post I was going to write...and it was called "Mere Venting" and it was really moody, kind of depressing, poorly written (not that any of my posts are great by any means...but this one was REALLY bad.) But I decided to delete it and try again. I wrote the draft a few nights ago, and didn't post because I hated how negative it was. The next evening I went outside to just watch the sunset. As I watched words just came to me. I didn't want to lose them so I quickly grabbed my phone and just kept typing, and typing, and typing. Until I had a prose poem. I was shocked! I don't do poetry! Or words! I speak in sounds! But it felt SO good to just write things and put images and meanings to things that maybe no one else would understand, but made me feel better. Now, I have no poetry experience besides those random units they make you do in Middle School, so it is by no means good poetry. But it felt so good to write. To put feelings down on pape

Oh good heavens! It has been far too long since I have written! So much has happened and now I have to pick what to write about! Oh dear, oh dearie me. Welllll, this blog is supposed to be about hopes, dreams, butterflies, the fulfilling and reaching of these dreams, and I have two rather large dreams of mine that I have accomplished. 1) I have finally been to New York City. And seen Broadway shows. And an opera (Don Giovanni!!!). And had a blast. 2) I was able to perform as my DREAM role with my FAVORITE director, an AMAZING cast and WONDERFUL friends. I think that one wins. The Secret Garden  it is then :) Our show ran April 13, 14, 20, 21, 27 and 28 AND we were able to perform in 4 matinees :) Love, love, love, love, love!!!! Pretty sure I've mentioned Lily as my dream role before... but I'm going to say it again. I've wanted Lily for YEARS! I always felt like she was a role written specifically for me and I was going to get it someday! Auditions and callbacks went

I don't know about you, but I like to feel good! Life is stressful, life is crazy, life is filled with far too many ups and downs. Roller coasters are fun in moderation. On a daily emotional occurrence it is not as fun. Today/past few days I have been trying to feel good because I have just been stressed out of my mind! I think I may have come up with my own personal formula! Productivity + physical activity + BREATHING (aka relaxing) + pacing myself + support (physical and spiritual) + Doing something I love. That may seem like a lot...but it's really not! Oh. My. Gosh. Being productive is fantastic! When I'm productive I just feel a million and one times better about myself! I mean, yes, it can be stressful, but once you accomplish what you set out to accomplish you just feel so good about yourself! Half the time I even go around and look for more stuff to do. Which is actually why I am writing this blog now... I wanted something to do, but I didn't want to write my

So I'm a bit of a child. It probably isn't SUPER obvious from my posts since I tend to write about more serious things, but yes. I'm a kid. I probably have a 5 year old somewhere inside my college-kid sized body. I don't mind that I act like a kid, in fact, it is a good release from every day stress and annoyance. Something I have discovered lately, is that people think I should grow up more. Okay, I can handle that, but why? Why get rid of child-like joy? Why get rid of occasionally playing soccer with empty milk jugs in my room with my roommate? Why should I always be stoic and have an 'adult' sense of humor? Why can't I be excited about a bow in my hair, a new stuffed animal, crayons, fuzzy socks, awesome rain boots? Who's to say I shouldn't be? No one that really matters to me so far. I want to retain a child-like innocence, a child-like love of things that make me happy. Life...can be hell. I'm sorry if I come across as child-ish and imm

People are sick. Today I have lost SO much of my faith in humanity. This won't be my usual "look everything works out in the end" kind of blog post. I can't. I know I posted yesterday but what I saw and read today impacted me so much that I couldn't help but say something. I was on Facebook and I saw a picture from one of the sites I have 'liked' of a mother who had no legs, holding and kissing her baby, sitting on a skateboard to try and get around. The caption said "like if you think she is a good mother". I clicked on it because I was curious. I 'liked' it and then clicked over to another picture. This was a picture of a young boy with a GIANT grin on his face. He looked so happy! He was running a race with prosthetic legs. He didn't care if he was last, he didn't care that he didn't have legs, he cared that he was running and moving and doing things people probably said he would never be able to do. I 'liked' tha

I haven't written in almost 2 months and for that I apologize. I felt like I didn't have anything worth writing about. I didn't feel like I had anything that could touch other's lives, including my own. I had fallen into a bit of a pit. I wouldn't necessarily say I became depressed, but I felt separated from everyone and everything around me. I tend to write about things that happen to me and tie them to what happens within me, but I didn't have anything like that. This time I think I am going to try and do it the other way around... We'll see if this totally flops or not! What has happened within me in the past 3 months has been confusion, frustration, joy, annoyance, giddiness, more confusion, sadness and just an aching hole. To those of you who know my personal life a bit more: the aching hole did not come from breaking up with my boyfriend. That was something that I knew for about a month before it happened that it needed to. Coming to grips with needi