Relaxing Power of Words. Crazy.

So I had this draft of a post I was going to write...and it was called "Mere Venting" and it was really moody, kind of depressing, poorly written (not that any of my posts are great by any means...but this one was REALLY bad.) But I decided to delete it and try again. I wrote the draft a few nights ago, and didn't post because I hated how negative it was. The next evening I went outside to just watch the sunset. As I watched words just came to me. I didn't want to lose them so I quickly grabbed my phone and just kept typing, and typing, and typing. Until I had a prose poem. I was shocked! I don't do poetry! Or words! I speak in sounds! But it felt SO good to just write things and put images and meanings to things that maybe no one else would understand, but made me feel better.

Now, I have no poetry experience besides those random units they make you do in Middle School, so it is by no means good poetry. But it felt so good to write. To put feelings down on paper that could mean so many different things to different people, but had a specific meaning for me. It wasn't so cut and dry like this is. Sooo... I'm going to post the three poems/prose I've written in here, just because I feel it's better than venting and being negative!!

This was the first one:

"The clear, blue sky faded into hazy pastels as it neared the western mountains as the sun's rays shot across the sky and through the gathered clouds.

“The mountains were left as silhouettes as the sun continued her graceful decent. The clouds darkened and dusk settled around the valley.

Twilight appeared and left as it slowly became a night filled with stars. Every beings mind, heart and very core were drawn in by the peaceful night.

At last, daily cares could be forgotten. Nothing could be inherently wrong in the world with a night such as this.

Rest, peace, and a nature-consumed sanctuary, with birds and crickets harmonizing a lullaby, pulls you to sleep's embrace."

So, not great. No poetic form, too many adjectives. But perfect for me. It was how I felt. The sunset is always so peaceful and wonderful for me. I love it soooo much and this particular night's wasn't anything special, but it somehow inspired words in me. It allowed me to relax and calm down after a lot of crap. 

The next one I wrote is a bit darker, and much worse with form, etc. No rules were followed...:

"The mountains surround me.

They are a trap. 

They are majestic.

They are immovable.

They encircle what has become my home.

They beckon softly in their grandeur:

"Come, run away.

You can climb my steep and jutting cliffs.

You can surpass every trial you will

Come across on my surface.

Come. Be free."

My soul longs to follow the

Caressing voice of the mountain.

"Yes! Yes I can!

I can climb your heights,

I can defeat your beasts!!"

And for a time,

I believe it.

I reach for the challenge,

I fight my way to the base of the mountain.

I look up its steep incline.

I take a step forward.

Invisible strings pull me back.

They cry out in warning,

"You are not strong enough!

You are not bold, or courageous!

You are not a free spirit.

You are bound by your weaknesses.

You belong in the shadow of this great mountain."

Their warnings and curses

Echo through my ears.

Their doubts weigh me down.

I cannot move forward.

My body crumples in a broken

Heap upon the ground.

I yell and curse at the deceitful mountains.

"Why make me believe?

Why make me want what you offer

So desperately?

Why taunt me?

You know I cannot complete this journey!

Why tempt me, you cruel soul?

Why show me what I can never obtain?

The mountains only watch on in sadness.

"I thought you could.

I believed in you.

You are your own

Enemy.

Cut these strings.

They are you."

I continue to stare with a

Tangible and poignant longing:

Eyes full of grief and blame.

The mountains turn their voices from me

With a last whispered goodbye.

"I believed in you.

I thought you could do it.

I guess I was wrong.”

The mountains surround me.

They are majestic.

They are a trap."

See? Not very good. This time it was a little after sunset, it had been a stressful day considering stuff for school across the country and I was hanging off the side of my swing-set outside. I was feeling over-whelmed and scared and rather alone in the universe. I've been a bit angry at God and my church lately and this was a bit of that manifesting itself in some ways, but even writing it, I was conflicted with how much I knew was His fault (probably not as much as I would like to think in my current state), and what was mine, or what could possibly be part of a bigger plan. I've gotten back into the habit of swearing (no worries, I shall attempt to keep this curse word free :D), modesty isn't as big a deal, going to church, reading scriptures and praying haven't been much of a priority... it's been a tough few weeks. But I'm going to attempt to start attempting to fix it. We'll see how that goes.

The last one I wrote, was today. It has a bit more of a poetic form, but not a ton:

"Children's giggles and gleeful screams.

Gardens flourish, the sky can attest.

Smell of summer, full of countless dreams.

Life awaits: 'tis a dangerous test.

The sun's rays are a constant stream

They lull you to sleep by their thoughtful embrace.

Hold to your hopes, as though a strong beam!

Time doesn't stop. It's a long, steady race.

Look ahead. It does endlessly shimmer and gleam.

Don't let fear quench and burn all that awaits.

Keep moving. Go with purpose. Don't squeam.

Or the dark may consume you, and fill you with hate.

Enjoy children's laughter, and all of their dreams.

To danger and trial, life is certainly prone.

Set your heart on your future, allow it to gleam.

Do nothing? I promise you'll be forever alone."

This one was aimed at no one but myself. Other people may apply it to themselves, but I was thinking of me as I wrote it. I meant for it to be a happy-go-lucky/yay-for-summer-and-hope kind of poem, but it turned a tad more foreboding. It's still hopeful in its message, but it reveals warnings and dangers of wandering away from that hopeful message. Those are to remind me to always push forward with my dreams. If I just stay stuck in a rut, my family and friends will continue to move past me until I really am completely alone, like the end of the poem says. The "fill you with hate" part is to remind me to not let '"the dark consume [me]". I need to reconcile myself to my Heavenly Father and I need to remember to keep pushing towards my goals. The couple references to children I stuck in there was also to remind me to find time to get to know and remember my little sisters. I don't get to see them much and they grow up SO much every single time I see them. I need to be as close to them as possible. I am going to miss them so much when I go to Virginia!!

It's been fun to discover the power just writing can have. It made me think, it made me relax, it made me understand a bit more about myself and some of my attitudes. Things are still confusing and stressful as hell, but I'll find a way to get through it. Even if that way is to just take 10 minutes to an hour to sit and write, then I will.

There is obviously SO much more going on that is causing all my moody and frustrations, but I don't want to turn this in to a "pity me" post. So I will just say that rebelling bodies, confusing people, frustrating institutions, and deciding to go on a dating hiatus [(It will be fun! No more anyone saying "you're too good for me" in any way, shape or form during a relationship, before a relationship, keeping a relationship from happening, or for ending a relationship!!! Or instead of the hiatus I'll just get into sex, drugs, alcohol and have a lesbian lover so no one CAN say that!) Oops. Turned into a tad of a vent there.] are all a part of what's making me a bit of a crabby b****, but I'm working on it. I shall figure it out and I will keep trying to write poems!!! They are fun :D If you read this entire thing, I applaud you and I am now informing you to get a life ;-)