New Year's Pants and Secret Scars

I'm not 100% sure what I want to communicate in this post. It's been about 8 months since I've posted anything. I guess it's been that long since I've felt like I had something worth sharing. 8 months since I felt like I had accomplished anything big or small that I felt like if I shared my experience maybe it would help someone else. (I don't want this to sound all dreary- I'm fine! Just sharing some thoughts as I try to decide what I actually want to say). I've had this title in my head for a bit over a week now. It's not even that great of a title. But since it wouldn't leave, I thought I'd type it out and see what came of it. I know many of you blogger types take forever writing and editing a post. I kind of just throw it all out there and hope for the best (and as few typos as possible).

2016 and 2017 were some hard years. They are some of the years I have felt the most useless. I felt like I was wasting away my life and that my contrib…

Fake It 'Til You Make It

Fake it 'til you make it. This has been my life for at least the past year. Or really just my whole life. :)

I had a fun conversation with my older sister the other day. I was updating her a bit on my life and my plans. She mentioned that it was nice to hear that because I'm always so "secretive" with what I am planning on doing next. Not purposefully secretive, I just don't open up about it and am not proactive in telling her/the family on what I am going to do next. I had to stop and just laugh. My older sister always tells me how much she admires me and my ability to make a plan for my life and to follow through. She compliments me on being prepared and ready to take the next responsible step in my life. I always laugh and move on. This time, I decided to tell her my secret (after I finished laughing). I don't open up about my future plans very often because... ready for this... I have no idea what they are. Not a clue. I have Plans A-Z in my head and I al…

My Beautiful Sisters

My Beautiful Sisters,
I am so proud of you and how hard you work and love. I was so scared to be Relief Society President, but now I don't want to be released! It's happening so soon and for a couple months now I’ve been in denial and didn’t think I was ready. I’m still sad. I will still miss serving you as Relief Society President. However, I would be quite thick-headed if I ignored how often I’ve heard in conference talks lately about letting go of callings with grace when you are released. Not to mention President Brotherson and President Doxey’s smooth transition. I will let it go grateful for the opportunity I had to be with you, to get closer to you, and to feel SO much love for each and every single one of you. I noticed when you were there and I noticed when you were gone. I worry and pray for each one of you. I love the love I feel for you and I'm so grateful for how strong and real it is with the love of the Lord running through my veins as strongly as it does w…

The Audition

Okay.... So a lot of folk have asked about my audition videos and such. I do not like to brag and, in fact, many of my pieces make me quite self-conscious! But as a whole I am proud of what I was able to accomplish in so short a time. So I've attached my videos. Enjoy. :)
This is the piece I am probably the most self-conscious about. This is the FIRST piece I have EVER choreographed. The transitions are REALLY rough, most of it is rough, but I am dang proud of it. I haven't really danced in roughly 5 years. I loved dance at Western and I have missed it SO much. I just never felt comfortable or "safe" dancing at SVU. So I didn't. This was great for me to stretch and work those muscles again. So as far from even mediocre as it is, I am incredibly proud and happy about this.

The next four videos are the songs I needed. Two ballads, two upbeat, 3 in the musical theatre genre and one not. First up, If I Were a Bell from Guys and Dolls.

This next one is my classical p…

Loved and Lost, Fought and Won

One of my nearest and dearest friends recently posted a Facebook status about this last year and towards the end she said, “I have loved and lost, I fought and won… My war cry [for 2017] is love, love love.” It made me start reflecting on 2016 in a bit of a different way. Like everyone else in the world, 2016 was REALLY hard. Something in the air I guess. Love, happiness, peace, and purpose were incredibly hard for me to find and believe in. I’ve been letting cynicism paint my perspective on everything that had to do with those. I assumed they would never be mine anymore, especially love.
I went home for a little less than 3 weeks for Christmas and New Years so while I was home and on "break" from life, I began to really do some soul searching and finally admitted some things to myself that I had been trying to avoid.
#1: I need to reestablish my purpose. I need to find something that gets me out of bed every day and that helps me take the next step in my life. Time to get …

I Understand

I can't give you a timeframe, but especially the past few weeks, I have developed so much more empathy, compassion, love, and understanding for my dear friends that suffer from depression and anxiety/panic attacks. I don't have depression, but I have definitely had some crazy emotional weeks that I think (from my incredibly limited knowledge and experience) have helped me to develop this empathy.

I never understood how someone would just stop doing the things they love. I didn't understand not being able to get yourself out of bed. I didn't understand how a panic or anxiety attack worked and how you could get to the point of your body inducing that. Etc., etc.

I had compassion, I had sympathy, and I respected that their/your experience was hard and different from mine. I mean, I had hard days, but a hard day is very different than hard weeks, months, and years. For those that deal with it all the time- I'm sorry. I love you. I understand a fraction of what you are …

"Move On"

Today has been full of good stuff! I've been catching up on Institute reading for a class I'm technically not even taking... but I wanted to! And then one of my wonderful friends gave a FANTASTIC lesson in Relief Society that has left me thinking all day. Now, I've been a wee bit emotional lately so maybe that's why it touched my heart so much, but I'm pretty sure I would have been just as touched either way!

So her lesson was based on two talks about Choice and the Atonement. It reminded me of my favorite lyric in one of my favorite musicals: "The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not. You have to move on."

Think about that statement for just a moment.

As we all know, choices are really hard for me to make. Especially big, life-changing ones.

So let's go back to the lyrics: "You have to move on."

We have to make choices, we have to keep moving forward. Another friend (that teacher-friend quoted!) said, "God can't driv…