A Dedication
Oh good heavens! It has been far too long since I have written! So much has happened and now I have to pick what to write about! Oh dear, oh dearie me. Welllll, this blog is supposed to be about hopes, dreams, butterflies, the fulfilling and reaching of these dreams, and I have two rather large dreams of mine that I have accomplished. 1) I have finally been to New York City. And seen Broadway shows. And an opera (Don Giovanni!!!). And had a blast. 2) I was able to perform as my DREAM role with my FAVORITE director, an AMAZING cast and WONDERFUL friends. I think that one wins. The Secret Garden it is then :)
Our show ran April 13, 14, 20, 21, 27 and 28 AND we were able to perform in 4 matinees :) Love, love, love, love, love!!!!
Pretty sure I've mentioned Lily as my dream role before... but I'm going to say it again. I've wanted Lily for YEARS! I always felt like she was a role written specifically for me and I was going to get it someday! Auditions and callbacks went swimmingly and I got the part! (Again...pretty sure I've already had a blog post about that part...) We began rehearsing and really delving deeper and deeper into the script and I fell in love with the show, the story, the characters, and everything all over again. I remembered the nights my mom would read a chapter to us kids as we fell asleep when I was little.
As a cast, our director always had us thinking about our own personal "secret gardens" and parts of our lives we wanted to improve. I swear I cried nearly every rehearsal from something new I discovered about myself and/or Lily. The garden, we discovered, was representative of hope, love, life, eternity, family and so much more. We just need to open ourselves and face our fears, face our problems, to be able to reach the Secret Gardens of our lives. I'm not going to go into a whole lot of detail of what people had to say about the garden and the show, but it was always beautiful. It always meant something to whoever was speaking and you could see the conviction and truth everyone had as they brought up what these things meant or symbolized to them.
On March 30th, 2012 I was forced to face the full impact of this show heads on. During my dinner break my mom called me to tell me that my Aunt Leslie had died of probably an overdose just a few hours before. I... was in shock. I couldn't stop asking 'what' 'how' and 'why'. My mom answered as best she could and then I had to go try to collect myself before rehearsal started again. I couldn't, but I tried. This was the first time I have ever had to deal with death so close to me. I didn't know what to do with it and with the feelings I was having. I tried to avoid talking to people so no one would ask me what was wrong. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I failed. People would try to hug me or talk to me to figure out what was wrong, but there were very few people I wanted those hugs from. Only one of those people actually gave me that hug though, and that was my director. I told him what had happened and to be prepared for this to not be by best run of the show. He gave me the long, comforting hug I was wanting so badly from just a few people, some of whom couldn't give me that hug because they were in Utah, and he told me I could do it and sent me to the stage.
People did what they knew how to comfort me throughout the show. I got people who tried to distract me, who would just rub my back, give me a really fast hug and walk away, let me knew they were there for me if I needed anything at all. It gave me strength and helped me mentally tell myself that I could do it. I could make this run without having to run off the stage in tears. Now, I did cry. I cried throughout the entire show. But I was able to keep moving and to keep finding ways to do what I needed to and I don't think I could have done it without the help and support of those in the cast and crew.
One of the biggest reasons I couldn't stop crying was out of guilt. My aunt and I are the only people in the family that have seriously done anything with theatre. She did hair and make-up in film and actually won an Emmy for a show she worked on called Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. She wanted so badly to be close to me, to be able to share her stories with me and mine with her. She wanted us to become like best friends. But I always pushed her away. I didn't like a lot of what she did and I was uncomfortable around her fairly often because I knew that what she was doing could kill herself and potentially my Grandmother that I am VERY close to. I couldn't escape from the guilt I felt and I didn't know what to do with it. By the time I got to the song "How Could We Ever Know" I was a mess. I collapsed into the fetal position from guilt, sadness, and an overwhelming feeling of loss. The poor guy, Dale, who was singing with me (he was Archibald) had to catch me to keep me from completely falling to the floor. In this song I was supposed to be comforting and encouraging him as Lily and Archie, but it ended up just being Dale comforting and helping Jasmine. I. Was. A. Wreck. I was super vulnerable like I needed to be, but a wreck nonetheless.
After rehearsal I was told I was valiant and I was thanked for pushing through to the end...not that I felt like I had really done that great of a job... but I appreciated being told I did well, even if I hadn't! I went home and called my mom at 2 a.m. bawling. I told her how I felt and she comforted me and told me that everyone would have regrets. She told me that Leslie knew that I was busy and that I did what I could from Wyoming and I invited her to all my shows, which she appreciated. I looked through her Facebook page to see when the last time we had talked on Facebook was and the last thing she had said to me was "...I hear u were great in ur plays and most sorry I had to leave before I could come. Ur family is very proud of u, and wild card that I guess I'm perceived as being, so am I" I cried again. She was proud of me. She was proud of my shows. She knew that I loved her even though we didn't get to talk too much. I made a goal to keep her in my heart and involve her in my shows in some way starting with Secret Garden.
After the funeral and Easter I came back to rehearsals with a nervous gusto! I was ready to keep going and to keep learning, but I was terrified of what kind of triggers or blocks I had made for myself through the last few days. The cast and crew continued to look out for me and do for me what they thought they should and I appreciated it.
I worked and worked so hard to make sure Lily would be perfect. This performance would be perfect for my aunt. I put in the program that I dedicated my performance to her and I slaved away and talked to my director constantly about what I could do to be better.
Opening night came and I wore my aunt's jewelry. It magically matched my costume and the costume designer wasn't around to say no. So I wore it and I used it. Throughout every performance I could feel my aunt, her sister and father and our Heavenly Father there with me, helping me, encouraging me. It sounds hokey and whatnot, and maybe it was all in my head, but I believe they were with me all the time. Helping me to move on and face death and any other obstacles blocking me from my Secret Garden.
The show was a hit and a huge success. I have never smiled more in my life and I have never been so connected spiritually to a show. Closing night was... beautiful and awful. I was concluding my experience as Lily, I was concluding my performances at Western, and I was concluding working with Jamie as a director. I was also scared that I would lose the connection I had finally gained with my aunt, even though she is physically gone. She isn't gone though. She is always with me and supporting me. She will always look after me and help me in all that I do, especially in theatre. I love my aunt so much and I am so grateful that I am able to have her portfolio of some of the work she has done in the theatre world.
I am beyond grateful for the opportunity I had to be this role. She will always be a part of who I am now. I am extraordinarily thankful for all of those who supported me, helped me (there is a bit of a theme going in this blog...), encouraged me, watched me, pushed me, etc. throughout this experience. I have grown as an actor and as a person and I will continue to push and pull towards my Secret Garden until someday I can get inside and say that I made it.
~Leslie Anne Anderson ~
Born: August 5, 1954
Died: March 30, 2012
Our show ran April 13, 14, 20, 21, 27 and 28 AND we were able to perform in 4 matinees :) Love, love, love, love, love!!!!
On March 30th, 2012 I was forced to face the full impact of this show heads on. During my dinner break my mom called me to tell me that my Aunt Leslie had died of probably an overdose just a few hours before. I... was in shock. I couldn't stop asking 'what' 'how' and 'why'. My mom answered as best she could and then I had to go try to collect myself before rehearsal started again. I couldn't, but I tried. This was the first time I have ever had to deal with death so close to me. I didn't know what to do with it and with the feelings I was having. I tried to avoid talking to people so no one would ask me what was wrong. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I failed. People would try to hug me or talk to me to figure out what was wrong, but there were very few people I wanted those hugs from. Only one of those people actually gave me that hug though, and that was my director. I told him what had happened and to be prepared for this to not be by best run of the show. He gave me the long, comforting hug I was wanting so badly from just a few people, some of whom couldn't give me that hug because they were in Utah, and he told me I could do it and sent me to the stage.
People did what they knew how to comfort me throughout the show. I got people who tried to distract me, who would just rub my back, give me a really fast hug and walk away, let me knew they were there for me if I needed anything at all. It gave me strength and helped me mentally tell myself that I could do it. I could make this run without having to run off the stage in tears. Now, I did cry. I cried throughout the entire show. But I was able to keep moving and to keep finding ways to do what I needed to and I don't think I could have done it without the help and support of those in the cast and crew.
One of the biggest reasons I couldn't stop crying was out of guilt. My aunt and I are the only people in the family that have seriously done anything with theatre. She did hair and make-up in film and actually won an Emmy for a show she worked on called Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. She wanted so badly to be close to me, to be able to share her stories with me and mine with her. She wanted us to become like best friends. But I always pushed her away. I didn't like a lot of what she did and I was uncomfortable around her fairly often because I knew that what she was doing could kill herself and potentially my Grandmother that I am VERY close to. I couldn't escape from the guilt I felt and I didn't know what to do with it. By the time I got to the song "How Could We Ever Know" I was a mess. I collapsed into the fetal position from guilt, sadness, and an overwhelming feeling of loss. The poor guy, Dale, who was singing with me (he was Archibald) had to catch me to keep me from completely falling to the floor. In this song I was supposed to be comforting and encouraging him as Lily and Archie, but it ended up just being Dale comforting and helping Jasmine. I. Was. A. Wreck. I was super vulnerable like I needed to be, but a wreck nonetheless.
After rehearsal I was told I was valiant and I was thanked for pushing through to the end...not that I felt like I had really done that great of a job... but I appreciated being told I did well, even if I hadn't! I went home and called my mom at 2 a.m. bawling. I told her how I felt and she comforted me and told me that everyone would have regrets. She told me that Leslie knew that I was busy and that I did what I could from Wyoming and I invited her to all my shows, which she appreciated. I looked through her Facebook page to see when the last time we had talked on Facebook was and the last thing she had said to me was "...I hear u were great in ur plays and most sorry I had to leave before I could come. Ur family is very proud of u, and wild card that I guess I'm perceived as being, so am I" I cried again. She was proud of me. She was proud of my shows. She knew that I loved her even though we didn't get to talk too much. I made a goal to keep her in my heart and involve her in my shows in some way starting with Secret Garden.
After the funeral and Easter I came back to rehearsals with a nervous gusto! I was ready to keep going and to keep learning, but I was terrified of what kind of triggers or blocks I had made for myself through the last few days. The cast and crew continued to look out for me and do for me what they thought they should and I appreciated it.
I worked and worked so hard to make sure Lily would be perfect. This performance would be perfect for my aunt. I put in the program that I dedicated my performance to her and I slaved away and talked to my director constantly about what I could do to be better.
Opening night came and I wore my aunt's jewelry. It magically matched my costume and the costume designer wasn't around to say no. So I wore it and I used it. Throughout every performance I could feel my aunt, her sister and father and our Heavenly Father there with me, helping me, encouraging me. It sounds hokey and whatnot, and maybe it was all in my head, but I believe they were with me all the time. Helping me to move on and face death and any other obstacles blocking me from my Secret Garden.
The show was a hit and a huge success. I have never smiled more in my life and I have never been so connected spiritually to a show. Closing night was... beautiful and awful. I was concluding my experience as Lily, I was concluding my performances at Western, and I was concluding working with Jamie as a director. I was also scared that I would lose the connection I had finally gained with my aunt, even though she is physically gone. She isn't gone though. She is always with me and supporting me. She will always look after me and help me in all that I do, especially in theatre. I love my aunt so much and I am so grateful that I am able to have her portfolio of some of the work she has done in the theatre world.
~Leslie Anne Anderson ~
Born: August 5, 1954
Died: March 30, 2012
Jasmine, that was beautiful and you look so much like your aunt. I remember that day in rehearsal and I was in awe at your strength to carry on. Opening night was my favorite night, I cried my eyes out as you and Dale sang together. You are amazing, strong, beautiful and I can't think of anything you could ever do to make anyone less proud of you. You are a genuinely good person, so full of truth and good intentions and beauty. Stay amazing.
ReplyDeleteMiss you Leslie! You are so beautiful! I hope you have peace on the other side. Give your dad a big bear hug for me. I will be seeing you again and until then you will be in my heart.
ReplyDelete