STOP thinking of JUST YOURSELF :)
I haven't written in almost 2 months and for that I apologize. I felt like I didn't have anything worth writing about. I didn't feel like I had anything that could touch other's lives, including my own. I had fallen into a bit of a pit. I wouldn't necessarily say I became depressed, but I felt separated from everyone and everything around me. I tend to write about things that happen to me and tie them to what happens within me, but I didn't have anything like that. This time I think I am going to try and do it the other way around... We'll see if this totally flops or not!
What has happened within me in the past 3 months has been confusion, frustration, joy, annoyance, giddiness, more confusion, sadness and just an aching hole. To those of you who know my personal life a bit more: the aching hole did not come from breaking up with my boyfriend. That was something that I knew for about a month before it happened that it needed to. Coming to grips with needing to do that took awhile and has nothing to do with this blog post.
I'm not going to go into detail about all of those feelings and why maybe they happened. It's not terribly important, I don't actually know what is going to end up being important in this post, but certainly not that.
This past month I have come to appreciate my family so much more. I was alone for most of the month at my parent's house. I had family around me, but I never really had much interaction with the "outside" world. It was actually a really boring break, but my happiest moments were when I was able to just mess around with my siblings and parents. I remember one day I became the jungle gym for my little sisters. I threw them around, they climbed up my body like I was a tree, I spun them, I taught Bella some ballet and Josie decided to dance in circles around us because she wasn't interested in standing still and doing a plie (imagine that e has the little dash French thingy above it) but wanted to be involved.
My favorite moment with the sister I don't always get along with was the night before I left. I tackled her in her bed and just laid there and treated her as if I was an older brother beating up on their younger sibling. We both laughed and enjoyed ourselves, despite her having my frozen nose shoved into her neck multiple times. It was just a fun, good moment. The next day our goodbye seemed so much more real and we knew we actually would really, really miss each other while I was away for months and months.
My older sister and I had some good moments New Years Eve and Christmas Eve. We just laid in bed (we have to share a King or Queen when I'm home) and took pictures and messed around. We took probably over 50 pictures and it was close to how it had been before she or I ever left for college. They were almost magical moments that transported us back in time.
My mom and I had a lot of good moments. We would watch Psych together upstairs at night after almost everyone had gone to bed. We also spent HOURS pouring over pages on the internet to try and find me a dress that would fit for a period ball I get to go to in February that was from a reliable internet source. I love my mom so much. I love when we are both free and I can just call her and talk to her for an hour or two while I am away.
My dad and I didn't get to have as many moments because he was working, but we definitely had some. I was able to go shopping with him one night and it was the night he went to buy my mom her big Christmas presents. We just had a good time, laughed and enjoyed each other's company as we grabbed groceries and the presents that would make my mom really excited and then the one that made her cry from happiness. On the drive back to Wyoming we had some good laughs and conversations and I always regret that I don't get more time with him when I am home. I tried to make sure to hug him every day I saw him over my break because I wanted him to know that I love him and miss him so much when I am gone at college. As awful as this sounds, sometimes I love getting injured or someone near me getting injured so I have an excuse to call and talk to my physical therapy daddy while he is at work!
Anyway, most of those moments happened at the end of the break, when I stopped thinking about myself and how bored I was. Some of them happened because I was so bored that they offered to take me grocery shopping with them, but still. In order to have a good time there, I had to stop thinking of just myself and how much it sucked to not always have a car and how it was a pain that my friends didn't like coming to get me even though it was just 15 minutes away while both my older-ish (one older, one just barely younger) sister's friends would do that. I had to get over it and think of my family and how much I would miss them when I was away. One of my favorite moments was when our entire family went to Temple Square to look at the lights. We kind of sped through them, but that was okay. It was cold, Josie was sick and there were only so many things to see that were different. It was just fun to be together as a family up there. We had some funny moments, some adorable moments and it finally snowed! I wanted snow so bad just once or twice with big gorgeous flakes over my break, and that was the day I got it. I was beyond happy, everyone, including sick Josie, was just happy to be together and doing something as an ENTIRE family instead of just a most of the family activity. That's the feeling I got anyway.
I think the aching hole that I had inside of me, was because I stopped thinking about others. All I could think about was me. Me, me, me. I was bored. I was tired. I didn't want to sleep. I was sick. I needed to work-out. I wanted to just sit and watch TV on my computer because I was bored and too selfish to find things to do with my siblings and parents. I missed out on so many more moments with my family. By the end of my break I stopped watching so much TV and stopped texting people miles and miles away from me and focused on my family and what I could do for THEM, instead of what they could do for me.
I'm back at school now and occasionally find myself getting teary because I miss my family. That hasn't happened since my first couple of weeks of college. Instead of being embarrassed by it, I am happy about it. My love for my family STILL impacts me and makes me ache to be with them, but I know they are happy I am pursuing my dream and finding the smartest way to go about doing it.
The past few days I sometimes notice the aching hole and frustration and annoyance seeping back in and I try to focus on others when I see it happening. It's hard and I am not always successful, but I'm trying.
I am so happy to know that Families are Forever and that I will always have my family to run to when I need anything. Not a whole lot of people have it as easily as I do with family. Sure they drive me crazy, I drive them crazy too, but we all know we love each other and will support each other in everything. We try to work through problems instead of creating a wall and barrier between people. I love and miss them so much.
What has happened within me in the past 3 months has been confusion, frustration, joy, annoyance, giddiness, more confusion, sadness and just an aching hole. To those of you who know my personal life a bit more: the aching hole did not come from breaking up with my boyfriend. That was something that I knew for about a month before it happened that it needed to. Coming to grips with needing to do that took awhile and has nothing to do with this blog post.
I'm not going to go into detail about all of those feelings and why maybe they happened. It's not terribly important, I don't actually know what is going to end up being important in this post, but certainly not that.
This past month I have come to appreciate my family so much more. I was alone for most of the month at my parent's house. I had family around me, but I never really had much interaction with the "outside" world. It was actually a really boring break, but my happiest moments were when I was able to just mess around with my siblings and parents. I remember one day I became the jungle gym for my little sisters. I threw them around, they climbed up my body like I was a tree, I spun them, I taught Bella some ballet and Josie decided to dance in circles around us because she wasn't interested in standing still and doing a plie (imagine that e has the little dash French thingy above it) but wanted to be involved.
My favorite moment with the sister I don't always get along with was the night before I left. I tackled her in her bed and just laid there and treated her as if I was an older brother beating up on their younger sibling. We both laughed and enjoyed ourselves, despite her having my frozen nose shoved into her neck multiple times. It was just a fun, good moment. The next day our goodbye seemed so much more real and we knew we actually would really, really miss each other while I was away for months and months.
My older sister and I had some good moments New Years Eve and Christmas Eve. We just laid in bed (we have to share a King or Queen when I'm home) and took pictures and messed around. We took probably over 50 pictures and it was close to how it had been before she or I ever left for college. They were almost magical moments that transported us back in time.
My mom and I had a lot of good moments. We would watch Psych together upstairs at night after almost everyone had gone to bed. We also spent HOURS pouring over pages on the internet to try and find me a dress that would fit for a period ball I get to go to in February that was from a reliable internet source. I love my mom so much. I love when we are both free and I can just call her and talk to her for an hour or two while I am away.
My dad and I didn't get to have as many moments because he was working, but we definitely had some. I was able to go shopping with him one night and it was the night he went to buy my mom her big Christmas presents. We just had a good time, laughed and enjoyed each other's company as we grabbed groceries and the presents that would make my mom really excited and then the one that made her cry from happiness. On the drive back to Wyoming we had some good laughs and conversations and I always regret that I don't get more time with him when I am home. I tried to make sure to hug him every day I saw him over my break because I wanted him to know that I love him and miss him so much when I am gone at college. As awful as this sounds, sometimes I love getting injured or someone near me getting injured so I have an excuse to call and talk to my physical therapy daddy while he is at work!
Anyway, most of those moments happened at the end of the break, when I stopped thinking about myself and how bored I was. Some of them happened because I was so bored that they offered to take me grocery shopping with them, but still. In order to have a good time there, I had to stop thinking of just myself and how much it sucked to not always have a car and how it was a pain that my friends didn't like coming to get me even though it was just 15 minutes away while both my older-ish (one older, one just barely younger) sister's friends would do that. I had to get over it and think of my family and how much I would miss them when I was away. One of my favorite moments was when our entire family went to Temple Square to look at the lights. We kind of sped through them, but that was okay. It was cold, Josie was sick and there were only so many things to see that were different. It was just fun to be together as a family up there. We had some funny moments, some adorable moments and it finally snowed! I wanted snow so bad just once or twice with big gorgeous flakes over my break, and that was the day I got it. I was beyond happy, everyone, including sick Josie, was just happy to be together and doing something as an ENTIRE family instead of just a most of the family activity. That's the feeling I got anyway.
I think the aching hole that I had inside of me, was because I stopped thinking about others. All I could think about was me. Me, me, me. I was bored. I was tired. I didn't want to sleep. I was sick. I needed to work-out. I wanted to just sit and watch TV on my computer because I was bored and too selfish to find things to do with my siblings and parents. I missed out on so many more moments with my family. By the end of my break I stopped watching so much TV and stopped texting people miles and miles away from me and focused on my family and what I could do for THEM, instead of what they could do for me.
I'm back at school now and occasionally find myself getting teary because I miss my family. That hasn't happened since my first couple of weeks of college. Instead of being embarrassed by it, I am happy about it. My love for my family STILL impacts me and makes me ache to be with them, but I know they are happy I am pursuing my dream and finding the smartest way to go about doing it.
The past few days I sometimes notice the aching hole and frustration and annoyance seeping back in and I try to focus on others when I see it happening. It's hard and I am not always successful, but I'm trying.
I am so happy to know that Families are Forever and that I will always have my family to run to when I need anything. Not a whole lot of people have it as easily as I do with family. Sure they drive me crazy, I drive them crazy too, but we all know we love each other and will support each other in everything. We try to work through problems instead of creating a wall and barrier between people. I love and miss them so much.
Comments
Post a Comment