Fake It 'Til You Make It
Fake it 'til you make it. This has been my life for at least the past year. Or really just my whole life. :)
I had a fun conversation with my older sister the other day. I was updating her a bit on my life and my plans. She mentioned that it was nice to hear that because I'm always so "secretive" with what I am planning on doing next. Not purposefully secretive, I just don't open up about it and am not proactive in telling her/the family on what I am going to do next. I had to stop and just laugh. My older sister always tells me how much she admires me and my ability to make a plan for my life and to follow through. She compliments me on being prepared and ready to take the next responsible step in my life. I always laugh and move on. This time, I decided to tell her my secret (after I finished laughing). I don't open up about my future plans very often because... ready for this... I have no idea what they are. Not a clue. I have Plans A-Z in my head and I always hope for A, but know I will probably end up needing to create plans AA-MM (because the first 26 letters of the alphabet aren't enough) and make it seem like this is what I wanted all along. I smile, I wave, and I say "I meant to do that!" and "Ta-da!". Did I mean to do that? Nope. Not at all. My sister laughed and was grateful to know I was human. (By the way... SHE is the one who has a real-person job! She is a successful archaeologist. I'm in a part-time desk job praying grad school will accept me for fall. Please, someone explain to me how I'M the one that seems to have everything all together?! Haha!)
My mind is this constant mess full of all of these possibilities and all the things I want to happen with my future, the things that probably will happen, the things I don't want to happen but still probably will, and the totally improbable things (good and bad!) that will likely not happen. I have ALL the "what ifs" all the time. My poor brain is constantly churning through all of these possibilities and trying to land on one that will be "it". But it changes hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. The number of headaches and tears I've had while trying to figure out my future as my ideas and circumstances constantly change is absolutely ridiculous.
But hey. Guess what? ONE of these ideas DOES eventually work. Every. Single. Time. I fake that I know what I'm doing while I'm actively trying to figure out what I should be doing and eventually BOOM! Something happens. And I have to roll with it or get crushed by it. Fake it 'til you make it.
I've recently been trying to apply this to more than just my future and the different plans I try to make for myself. My emotional well-being, my spiritual well-being, and so much more. Am I always successful? Heck no! But it has made a difference and will continue to do so.
5 years ago when I came to Buena Vista, VA I was one of the most happy-go-lucky-totally-be-whoever-and-whatever-I-want-to-be kind of person. I was known for my crazy outfits, huge jewelry, thick eyeliner, and constant willingness to laugh and be a little bit crazy. I've always been the person to laugh first and laugh longest and to run around Walmart acting like a 5 year old who thought she was a fairy princess. After 5 years of learning, growing, a lot of emotional turmoil, and some mental breaks, I'm not that person anymore. This past year I've especially noticed how much harder it is to laugh, to run around not caring what anyone thinks, and to be my little fairy princess self. I've felt like an impostor in my own skin as friends came to me with jokes or references that in the past would have had me rolling on the floor laughing, or jumping up and down in excitement. I want her back.
So the decision? Fake it 'til I make it. I have not been even a little bit successful with this yet (I just made this decision like this last week...) but I know it will make a difference. If I make myself laugh, if I make myself remember to find the good in the little things, and even if I'm faking it, maybe it will remind my mind and my body who I am, who I used to be, and who I want to be. Will I ever be exactly who I was? No! And I don't want to be. I've learned a lot in these 5 years and the things I've learned and how I've learned them has changed me and put me in a better position to help others who are going through similar things. My compassion, understanding, and empathy have grown exponentially. I wouldn't change that for anything. I would not want to live through some of the experiences I've had again, but I wouldn't change the fact that they happened and I wouldn't change the lessons I've learned and am learning.
Why do I think this might maybe work? Because I did it as Relief Society President. I started out thinking this was going to be a mess and that Bishop Rasmussen would forever regret asking me to lead the women in his ward. I had no idea what to do, how to figure out who to call to what Relief Society callings, how to plan or run activities, how to run an organization and its meetings, etc. But I put on my big girl pants and decided to act like I knew what I was doing. I asked Bishop and the former Relief Society president LOADS of questions and ran. I prayed and prayed hard. I found people to surround me that seemed as put together as I was hoping I looked and that I knew were responsible and strong women. I was expecting everything to fall apart after about a month- two if I was lucky. Guys. It never fell apart. Did we have a few messes and some stressful moments? Oh my goodness, yes. But we faked it so dang well, that gosh dang it... I think we made it. :) It was far from perfect and there is so much more I wish I could have done, but we made it. I had days even towards the end of my time a RS Pres that I felt like a fake and a failure, but the great thing is... by the very end I felt confident in what I was doing (more or less). I became what I needed to become. I started out fragile, scared, and clueless. I ended with my heart full of love and reluctant to let it all go when it was my time to be released. I loved what I was doing and I had so many ideas on how to improve. I ended with so many notes and spoken words of love and gratitude from my girls. I became who I needed to be, and it all started with me faking it.
Why do I really think it works? I found a bit of a parallel in the gospel that I loved. There is a scripture in Alma 32. It's verse 27: "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (emphasis added)
This scripture is SO full of hope and love. Nowhere in here does it say that we are failures if we don't have a perfect faith. It does not say that right this second you must believe and know everything about the gospel. It says to start with a desire. Start with an experiment. Start with a PARTICLE of faith. Let it grow. Then you can get to the point that you believe in a PORTION of His words. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE BY NOT BEING PERFECT OR BECAUSE YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH YOUR FAITH. You are human and get the beautiful and wonderful opportunity to try and use this promise and have your faith grow slowly but surely. Sometimes it is so slow that you don't notice it growing until suddenly it is being tried and you realize that you are strong and believe and can withstand that particular trial of your faith. (Which, that realization helps your faith even more. And it's pretty dang awesome!)
Back to faking it... When we decide to "fake" it. I believe we are exercising our desire to believe or to succeed. As we work with this desire, we can let it turn to hope. As we hope that things are getting better, will get better, etc. and we remember to see the good and the blessings that God is continually sending our way, it can turn into a particle of faith. As we continue to fake it (though, by this point you only think you are faking it, this is when you are starting to make it!), it turns to a more solid faith. This faith is the foundation for knowledge and leads to action. As we act on this faith it just gets stronger and stronger until you no longer are able to truthfully tell yourself that you are faking it. It's there. You can do it. You've made it.
But of course, we'll confront something else we don't feel as though we are capable of doing or even worthy of doing... and we go back to our desire (fake it!) and you keep trying (experimenting!) and learning and growing (faith building through action!) and YOU WILL MAKE IT. It's a lifetime of effort, but it's an eternity of blessings. Worth it? Yes. Hard to always feel like it's worth it? Also, yes! But just keep faking it 'til you make it. You'll get there. You can do the things! ;)
I had a fun conversation with my older sister the other day. I was updating her a bit on my life and my plans. She mentioned that it was nice to hear that because I'm always so "secretive" with what I am planning on doing next. Not purposefully secretive, I just don't open up about it and am not proactive in telling her/the family on what I am going to do next. I had to stop and just laugh. My older sister always tells me how much she admires me and my ability to make a plan for my life and to follow through. She compliments me on being prepared and ready to take the next responsible step in my life. I always laugh and move on. This time, I decided to tell her my secret (after I finished laughing). I don't open up about my future plans very often because... ready for this... I have no idea what they are. Not a clue. I have Plans A-Z in my head and I always hope for A, but know I will probably end up needing to create plans AA-MM (because the first 26 letters of the alphabet aren't enough) and make it seem like this is what I wanted all along. I smile, I wave, and I say "I meant to do that!" and "Ta-da!". Did I mean to do that? Nope. Not at all. My sister laughed and was grateful to know I was human. (By the way... SHE is the one who has a real-person job! She is a successful archaeologist. I'm in a part-time desk job praying grad school will accept me for fall. Please, someone explain to me how I'M the one that seems to have everything all together?! Haha!)
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| This is my seeeester and I! |
My mind is this constant mess full of all of these possibilities and all the things I want to happen with my future, the things that probably will happen, the things I don't want to happen but still probably will, and the totally improbable things (good and bad!) that will likely not happen. I have ALL the "what ifs" all the time. My poor brain is constantly churning through all of these possibilities and trying to land on one that will be "it". But it changes hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. The number of headaches and tears I've had while trying to figure out my future as my ideas and circumstances constantly change is absolutely ridiculous.
But hey. Guess what? ONE of these ideas DOES eventually work. Every. Single. Time. I fake that I know what I'm doing while I'm actively trying to figure out what I should be doing and eventually BOOM! Something happens. And I have to roll with it or get crushed by it. Fake it 'til you make it.
I've recently been trying to apply this to more than just my future and the different plans I try to make for myself. My emotional well-being, my spiritual well-being, and so much more. Am I always successful? Heck no! But it has made a difference and will continue to do so.
5 years ago when I came to Buena Vista, VA I was one of the most happy-go-lucky-totally-be-whoever-and-whatever-I-want-to-be kind of person. I was known for my crazy outfits, huge jewelry, thick eyeliner, and constant willingness to laugh and be a little bit crazy. I've always been the person to laugh first and laugh longest and to run around Walmart acting like a 5 year old who thought she was a fairy princess. After 5 years of learning, growing, a lot of emotional turmoil, and some mental breaks, I'm not that person anymore. This past year I've especially noticed how much harder it is to laugh, to run around not caring what anyone thinks, and to be my little fairy princess self. I've felt like an impostor in my own skin as friends came to me with jokes or references that in the past would have had me rolling on the floor laughing, or jumping up and down in excitement. I want her back.
So the decision? Fake it 'til I make it. I have not been even a little bit successful with this yet (I just made this decision like this last week...) but I know it will make a difference. If I make myself laugh, if I make myself remember to find the good in the little things, and even if I'm faking it, maybe it will remind my mind and my body who I am, who I used to be, and who I want to be. Will I ever be exactly who I was? No! And I don't want to be. I've learned a lot in these 5 years and the things I've learned and how I've learned them has changed me and put me in a better position to help others who are going through similar things. My compassion, understanding, and empathy have grown exponentially. I wouldn't change that for anything. I would not want to live through some of the experiences I've had again, but I wouldn't change the fact that they happened and I wouldn't change the lessons I've learned and am learning.
Why do I think this might maybe work? Because I did it as Relief Society President. I started out thinking this was going to be a mess and that Bishop Rasmussen would forever regret asking me to lead the women in his ward. I had no idea what to do, how to figure out who to call to what Relief Society callings, how to plan or run activities, how to run an organization and its meetings, etc. But I put on my big girl pants and decided to act like I knew what I was doing. I asked Bishop and the former Relief Society president LOADS of questions and ran. I prayed and prayed hard. I found people to surround me that seemed as put together as I was hoping I looked and that I knew were responsible and strong women. I was expecting everything to fall apart after about a month- two if I was lucky. Guys. It never fell apart. Did we have a few messes and some stressful moments? Oh my goodness, yes. But we faked it so dang well, that gosh dang it... I think we made it. :) It was far from perfect and there is so much more I wish I could have done, but we made it. I had days even towards the end of my time a RS Pres that I felt like a fake and a failure, but the great thing is... by the very end I felt confident in what I was doing (more or less). I became what I needed to become. I started out fragile, scared, and clueless. I ended with my heart full of love and reluctant to let it all go when it was my time to be released. I loved what I was doing and I had so many ideas on how to improve. I ended with so many notes and spoken words of love and gratitude from my girls. I became who I needed to be, and it all started with me faking it.
Why do I really think it works? I found a bit of a parallel in the gospel that I loved. There is a scripture in Alma 32. It's verse 27: "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (emphasis added)
This scripture is SO full of hope and love. Nowhere in here does it say that we are failures if we don't have a perfect faith. It does not say that right this second you must believe and know everything about the gospel. It says to start with a desire. Start with an experiment. Start with a PARTICLE of faith. Let it grow. Then you can get to the point that you believe in a PORTION of His words. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE BY NOT BEING PERFECT OR BECAUSE YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH YOUR FAITH. You are human and get the beautiful and wonderful opportunity to try and use this promise and have your faith grow slowly but surely. Sometimes it is so slow that you don't notice it growing until suddenly it is being tried and you realize that you are strong and believe and can withstand that particular trial of your faith. (Which, that realization helps your faith even more. And it's pretty dang awesome!)
Back to faking it... When we decide to "fake" it. I believe we are exercising our desire to believe or to succeed. As we work with this desire, we can let it turn to hope. As we hope that things are getting better, will get better, etc. and we remember to see the good and the blessings that God is continually sending our way, it can turn into a particle of faith. As we continue to fake it (though, by this point you only think you are faking it, this is when you are starting to make it!), it turns to a more solid faith. This faith is the foundation for knowledge and leads to action. As we act on this faith it just gets stronger and stronger until you no longer are able to truthfully tell yourself that you are faking it. It's there. You can do it. You've made it.
But of course, we'll confront something else we don't feel as though we are capable of doing or even worthy of doing... and we go back to our desire (fake it!) and you keep trying (experimenting!) and learning and growing (faith building through action!) and YOU WILL MAKE IT. It's a lifetime of effort, but it's an eternity of blessings. Worth it? Yes. Hard to always feel like it's worth it? Also, yes! But just keep faking it 'til you make it. You'll get there. You can do the things! ;)
Awesome post. Loved the scripture especially.
ReplyDeleteGo, seeesters, go!
Thanks, friend!
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