"Little Women" and Their Miracles
I feel as though I say this every couple of months... but it has been far too long since I have written! I will try not to make this one too long.
I've discovered I am really bad at writing in my blog (and journal) when I don't feel like I am in a very happy or spiritual place physically, psychologically, emotionally. Coming to SVU has been one of the hardest things in my life. Things are SO different here, I stick out like quite the eye sore, and there is SO much conformity. It drives me nuts and makes me yearn for home and familiar people more than I ever have in my life. On the plus side, I have embodied even more of my crazy by coming here because the conformity drives me so insane! So I used to do some fun, odd eye make-up? Well now it is super fun and crazy with lipstick and wacky hair-dos. I'm loving that part of my experience. The more weird looks I get in a day, or the more people I can get to appreciate some weirdo outfit, the better.
*disclaimer* this is not an attack on anyone, or on the school. My blog is meant for my thoughts and how I feel. It is going to be my honest opinion, sometimes painfully so, but this is NOT an attack.
I keep in touch with my family (duh), Bri (again, duh) and Jamie (YAY) all the time, among other Western friends,. I miss them, their advice and their perspective on life every day. MY FAMILY JUST GOT A PUPPY! Thought I would throw that out there while I was missing home and Western.
Well since being here I have been in two shows, I have had more homework than I ever have in my entire life, I have had spiritual experiences, I have had some rather low moments I will try not to expound upon, and I have witnessed and been a a part of miracles.
The first show was "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." One of my all time least favorite shows. It was great for getting to know people, but I really do dislike that show. I met many people though and that is how my friendship with Jessie Jolley began. We are now almost always together and very good friends, so it is good I decided to go ahead and audition for the show. I met many others besides her that I am still friends with, but that is probably the most important aspect of that show.
The next show is one that we just barely closed. It was "Little Women" as written, directed, and composed by Robert Stoddard (the head of the department here). He was helped by his daughter, Leigh (who is my Relief Society president actually). It is the second or third best show I have ever been able to be involved in. The first being "Secret Garden" and tied for second is this one and "Flowers for Algernon" but "Little Women" probably beats it by just a little. "Secret Garden" taught a strong message of eternal families, finding your garden and becoming happy again, etc. This show taught ever more about families, their eternity, the bond that families have, etc. I was lucky and blessed with the opportunity to play Marmee. Jessie was Jo. I learned so much from Marmee. It wasn't until we started performing though that I felt worthy enough to play such a beautiful woman.
Throughout the rehearsal process and even performance process of this show we had to overcome SO many trials. Our director started passing a kidney stone, we were all getting sick and the list goes on. Through prayer and faith though the cast became even more united through our troubles and put together an absolutely stunning and evocative show. On our Thursday night performance our Jo lost her voice when she woke-up that morning. She could not make a single sound. She tried and tried and nothing would work. My voice was also starting to go thanks to vocal and physical exhaustion. We both went on vocal rest for the day. That night as Jessie and I were getting ready Professor Stoddard invited us into his office to get a blessing. Now, during all of this rehearsal time I had been in a dark place. I don't like to admit to it, but I have not been in a happy place. At all. Originally only Jessie was going to be blessed, but Leigh remembered that I had been on vocal rest as well and I was invited in. Jessie had her blessing and it was truly beautiful. I started crying and I could feel her faith in that blessing.
Then, I received my blessing. I had been debating asking for one for weeks, but remember how I hate asking for blessings because I hate thinking I'm just trying to get attention/I feel stupid. etc.? Yup. Well, I was just expecting a blessing of healing and I received healing, love, comfort, affirmation, and guidance. I was a sobbing mess the entire thing. I was told I was loved, I was told why I am meant to be at SVU right now. I am not here just for me. I am here to serve, but I am also here to share my life perspective. This question had been plaguing me from the moment I got here. "Why am I supposed to be here? Why am I so unhappy? What is my purpose? Why don't I fit in? WHY?!?!?" I didn't get it. I don't fit in here, I do not belong in the mold that is carved for the women of Southern Virginia University. I felt isolated. Heavenly Father knew this and told me why I am here. He was more specific with me in this blessing than He has ever been. He reminded me that the Spirit whispers in a CALM and QUIET voice. I am still unsure as to whether I am listening for words or a feeling, but I know that I can trust my Heavenly Father, I just need to relearn how to trust myself in spiritual decisions and know that He will always help me. I don't know why I constantly go downhill and have to be brought back with guidance directly from him through one of his mouthpieces that makes me sob. But someday I know that all of these experiences will compile into something that I will NEVER be able to negate, doubt, or be scared of.
That night I was able to perform at my best. And Jessie? She couldn't sing a note until the moment she got on stage. It was one of the best nights we had. Many of us were sobbing/crying/tearing up backstage as we all huddled in groups and watched as Jessie triumphed with the help of the Lord.
I do believe in my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. I know the Holy Ghost is always here to guide me and help me. I believe the church to be true. I know things only happen because they need to or He has a plan for me/us. I am going to try harder to be the spiritual person I can be, but I refuse to become a part of the mold. I am going to be me, I am going to be me proudly, and I am going to prove that I can be my crazy, not normal, Mormon while still having a testimony of my Heavenly Father and of my church.
I've discovered I am really bad at writing in my blog (and journal) when I don't feel like I am in a very happy or spiritual place physically, psychologically, emotionally. Coming to SVU has been one of the hardest things in my life. Things are SO different here, I stick out like quite the eye sore, and there is SO much conformity. It drives me nuts and makes me yearn for home and familiar people more than I ever have in my life. On the plus side, I have embodied even more of my crazy by coming here because the conformity drives me so insane! So I used to do some fun, odd eye make-up? Well now it is super fun and crazy with lipstick and wacky hair-dos. I'm loving that part of my experience. The more weird looks I get in a day, or the more people I can get to appreciate some weirdo outfit, the better.
*disclaimer* this is not an attack on anyone, or on the school. My blog is meant for my thoughts and how I feel. It is going to be my honest opinion, sometimes painfully so, but this is NOT an attack.
I keep in touch with my family (duh), Bri (again, duh) and Jamie (YAY) all the time, among other Western friends,. I miss them, their advice and their perspective on life every day. MY FAMILY JUST GOT A PUPPY! Thought I would throw that out there while I was missing home and Western.
Well since being here I have been in two shows, I have had more homework than I ever have in my entire life, I have had spiritual experiences, I have had some rather low moments I will try not to expound upon, and I have witnessed and been a a part of miracles.
The first show was "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." One of my all time least favorite shows. It was great for getting to know people, but I really do dislike that show. I met many people though and that is how my friendship with Jessie Jolley began. We are now almost always together and very good friends, so it is good I decided to go ahead and audition for the show. I met many others besides her that I am still friends with, but that is probably the most important aspect of that show.
The next show is one that we just barely closed. It was "Little Women" as written, directed, and composed by Robert Stoddard (the head of the department here). He was helped by his daughter, Leigh (who is my Relief Society president actually). It is the second or third best show I have ever been able to be involved in. The first being "Secret Garden" and tied for second is this one and "Flowers for Algernon" but "Little Women" probably beats it by just a little. "Secret Garden" taught a strong message of eternal families, finding your garden and becoming happy again, etc. This show taught ever more about families, their eternity, the bond that families have, etc. I was lucky and blessed with the opportunity to play Marmee. Jessie was Jo. I learned so much from Marmee. It wasn't until we started performing though that I felt worthy enough to play such a beautiful woman.
Throughout the rehearsal process and even performance process of this show we had to overcome SO many trials. Our director started passing a kidney stone, we were all getting sick and the list goes on. Through prayer and faith though the cast became even more united through our troubles and put together an absolutely stunning and evocative show. On our Thursday night performance our Jo lost her voice when she woke-up that morning. She could not make a single sound. She tried and tried and nothing would work. My voice was also starting to go thanks to vocal and physical exhaustion. We both went on vocal rest for the day. That night as Jessie and I were getting ready Professor Stoddard invited us into his office to get a blessing. Now, during all of this rehearsal time I had been in a dark place. I don't like to admit to it, but I have not been in a happy place. At all. Originally only Jessie was going to be blessed, but Leigh remembered that I had been on vocal rest as well and I was invited in. Jessie had her blessing and it was truly beautiful. I started crying and I could feel her faith in that blessing.
Then, I received my blessing. I had been debating asking for one for weeks, but remember how I hate asking for blessings because I hate thinking I'm just trying to get attention/I feel stupid. etc.? Yup. Well, I was just expecting a blessing of healing and I received healing, love, comfort, affirmation, and guidance. I was a sobbing mess the entire thing. I was told I was loved, I was told why I am meant to be at SVU right now. I am not here just for me. I am here to serve, but I am also here to share my life perspective. This question had been plaguing me from the moment I got here. "Why am I supposed to be here? Why am I so unhappy? What is my purpose? Why don't I fit in? WHY?!?!?" I didn't get it. I don't fit in here, I do not belong in the mold that is carved for the women of Southern Virginia University. I felt isolated. Heavenly Father knew this and told me why I am here. He was more specific with me in this blessing than He has ever been. He reminded me that the Spirit whispers in a CALM and QUIET voice. I am still unsure as to whether I am listening for words or a feeling, but I know that I can trust my Heavenly Father, I just need to relearn how to trust myself in spiritual decisions and know that He will always help me. I don't know why I constantly go downhill and have to be brought back with guidance directly from him through one of his mouthpieces that makes me sob. But someday I know that all of these experiences will compile into something that I will NEVER be able to negate, doubt, or be scared of.
That night I was able to perform at my best. And Jessie? She couldn't sing a note until the moment she got on stage. It was one of the best nights we had. Many of us were sobbing/crying/tearing up backstage as we all huddled in groups and watched as Jessie triumphed with the help of the Lord.
I do believe in my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. I know the Holy Ghost is always here to guide me and help me. I believe the church to be true. I know things only happen because they need to or He has a plan for me/us. I am going to try harder to be the spiritual person I can be, but I refuse to become a part of the mold. I am going to be me, I am going to be me proudly, and I am going to prove that I can be my crazy, not normal, Mormon while still having a testimony of my Heavenly Father and of my church.
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