Happy Girl
Okay, in case you don't know Martina McBride, this title is the name of one of her songs that I think describes me pretty dang well right now! Oh hey, I can post the lyrics...
I used to live in a darkened room
Had a face of stone
And a heart of gloom
Lost my hope, I was so far gone
Cryin' all my tears
With the curtains drawn
I didn't know until my soul broke free
I've got these angels watching over me
Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing you'll ever see
In the whole wide world
Is a happy girl
I used to hide in a party crowd
Bottled up inside
Feeling so left out
Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes
With my frozen smile
And my lighted fuse
Now every time I start to feel like that
I roll my heart out like a welcome mat
Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing you'll ever see
In the whole wide world
Is a happy girl
Laugh when I feel like it
Cry when I feel like it
That's just how my life is
That's how it goes
Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
And I've come to know
That the world won't change
Just 'cause I complain
Let the axis twirl
I'm a happy girl
Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing you'll ever see
In the whole wide world
Is a happy girl
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
I'm a happy girl
So pretty perky, pretty happy song right? Yay!!! I don't think I have ever been this happy for so long...ever! I mean there are still ups and downs, but there is always that undercurrent of being happy. I have lots of reasons for being happy!
One of the biggest reasons I am so happy though is because I think I am finally ready to move on with certain parts of my life. That needs some background story, so here it goes!
I am terrified of relationships. I have been for awhile, but after a few things that have happened recently, including being emotionally abused by one of the people I was the closest to my senior year of high school, it made it 100x worse. Even just thinking about letting someone get that close to me again made me scared. I tried to keep myself distant from everyone when I came out to college. Turns out I think Heavenly Father had a different plan for me! After just like a month I was staying up all night talking to and spilling my guts to someone I now consider the older brother I was never able to have. He knows just about everything about me that there is to know. I thought that maybe this was the exception to the rule and I wouldn't tell anyone else anything about me. Well my suitemate (roommate in the room attached to mine) and I are now pretty much sisters. We tell each other everything. And she knows as much about me as this brother figure I was just talking about. I don't know what I would do without her. I go to her for everything. There is never enough I can do for her to thank her for everything she has done for me.
Ok so that was going to be it! No one else would know the inner me. I was scared being that close to just those two, and there was nothing 'romantic' about it! Well then I was asked to be in a certain scene for the directing class. It was a love scene. Great. Needless to say I was not excited for that because I knew I would have to become vulnerable in a way I didn't want to, but I also reminded myself it was just acting and that nothing would come from it. Especially since the guy she ended up picking I hardly knew so it's not like we would see each other all the time and become attached at all. So I figured I could do it, and even when we had to do exercises that included telling parts of yourself you generally don't tell people, I let myself be open since I knew nothing would happen. It was kind of scary but I wanted this scene to be good and I wanted to know that I could do love scenes! We only rehearsed like once a week, but it was always for an hour or more. It generally ended up being an hour and a half or two. Now that entire time I had to be open emotionally. I had to be able to connect with him on stage so that it was truthful acting. Throughout this entire process we began to really get to know each other.
One night he came to my room so we could run through lines, but I had just been bawling my eyes out because of something I learned about that kid that emotionally abused me that I was talking about earlier. The moment this kid saw my face, he dropped the whole rehearsing thing and just sat and talked with me. One of my earlier posts goes into a little bit more detail about that.
Side note: I am very, very good at pushing away and ignoring feelings I get for people. Especially when I really like a person. I shove those feelings away and a lot of the time I will actually push the person away along with it. I'm also a culprit of pushing people away when I know they like me. Well with this guy I didn't push him away. I pushed away my feelings for a long time but not him. Even though I knew how close we were getting.
I was always laughing with him and just having a good time. I was happy. (We did have some more serious conversations too) At times I would get stressed or scared that we were getting too close, but then when he was around I couldn't help but not push him away. I just couldn't do it. It didn't help that we had rehearsal together where I obviously had to be more open.
Anyway, this is turning into a much longer post than I meant! Sorry about that! Well after we performed we continued to hang out and over Spring break we were together for at least a few hours almost every day. There was maybe one or two days when we didn't see each other. We just had fun and talked and laughed and enjoyed ourselves. This is when I started to admit to myself that hey, I really like this guy. Well crap. I still kind of ignored those feelings, but not as solidly as I had been. When we got home I found time to talk to my suitemate and I decided that I would let what happens happen. And if nothing happens then that's okay too.
A few nights ago after he left my room I sat down and just cried. Because I was terrified. I could pretty much tell he liked me, and I knew I liked him and that was scary. I didn't want to hurt him, hurt anyone else (like if someone else liked me too...) or eventually get hurt myself. I was scared.
The next night, he told me how he felt. I was quiet for awhile and explained to him how scared I was and he told me to take my time to figure it out. Well for the past 2-3 days I have had very similar statements and quotes thrown at me for one reason or another. "Guilt tells you your past isn't good enough and fear tells you your future is not worth pursuing" "Follow your impulses, don't be scared of not being perfect or of messing up. Don't limit yourself. Break out of your safe little box." "Is life really alive without taking risks? Pain is a fact of life but that's no reason not to live it." "Don't restrict yourself" "I want you to be happy" "Promise me you will be happy too?"
*rolls eyes* Okay, okay oh powers-that-be, I think I get the hint... :-) It's time for me to move on. It's time to learn and grow. I'm still scared of being hurt, I'm still scared of hurting others, I'm still terrified. But I apparently need to learn how to take a risk or two, and if I'm so happy, I think it's worth the risk.
Now let's see if he reads this first, or waits until after I talk to him, probably shouldn't post this on Facebook right away then... :P
I used to live in a darkened room
Had a face of stone
And a heart of gloom
Lost my hope, I was so far gone
Cryin' all my tears
With the curtains drawn
I didn't know until my soul broke free
I've got these angels watching over me
Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing you'll ever see
In the whole wide world
Is a happy girl
I used to hide in a party crowd
Bottled up inside
Feeling so left out
Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes
With my frozen smile
And my lighted fuse
Now every time I start to feel like that
I roll my heart out like a welcome mat
Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing you'll ever see
In the whole wide world
Is a happy girl
Laugh when I feel like it
Cry when I feel like it
That's just how my life is
That's how it goes
Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
And I've come to know
That the world won't change
Just 'cause I complain
Let the axis twirl
I'm a happy girl
Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing you'll ever see
In the whole wide world
Is a happy girl
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
I'm a happy girl
So pretty perky, pretty happy song right? Yay!!! I don't think I have ever been this happy for so long...ever! I mean there are still ups and downs, but there is always that undercurrent of being happy. I have lots of reasons for being happy!
One of the biggest reasons I am so happy though is because I think I am finally ready to move on with certain parts of my life. That needs some background story, so here it goes!
I am terrified of relationships. I have been for awhile, but after a few things that have happened recently, including being emotionally abused by one of the people I was the closest to my senior year of high school, it made it 100x worse. Even just thinking about letting someone get that close to me again made me scared. I tried to keep myself distant from everyone when I came out to college. Turns out I think Heavenly Father had a different plan for me! After just like a month I was staying up all night talking to and spilling my guts to someone I now consider the older brother I was never able to have. He knows just about everything about me that there is to know. I thought that maybe this was the exception to the rule and I wouldn't tell anyone else anything about me. Well my suitemate (roommate in the room attached to mine) and I are now pretty much sisters. We tell each other everything. And she knows as much about me as this brother figure I was just talking about. I don't know what I would do without her. I go to her for everything. There is never enough I can do for her to thank her for everything she has done for me.
Ok so that was going to be it! No one else would know the inner me. I was scared being that close to just those two, and there was nothing 'romantic' about it! Well then I was asked to be in a certain scene for the directing class. It was a love scene. Great. Needless to say I was not excited for that because I knew I would have to become vulnerable in a way I didn't want to, but I also reminded myself it was just acting and that nothing would come from it. Especially since the guy she ended up picking I hardly knew so it's not like we would see each other all the time and become attached at all. So I figured I could do it, and even when we had to do exercises that included telling parts of yourself you generally don't tell people, I let myself be open since I knew nothing would happen. It was kind of scary but I wanted this scene to be good and I wanted to know that I could do love scenes! We only rehearsed like once a week, but it was always for an hour or more. It generally ended up being an hour and a half or two. Now that entire time I had to be open emotionally. I had to be able to connect with him on stage so that it was truthful acting. Throughout this entire process we began to really get to know each other.
One night he came to my room so we could run through lines, but I had just been bawling my eyes out because of something I learned about that kid that emotionally abused me that I was talking about earlier. The moment this kid saw my face, he dropped the whole rehearsing thing and just sat and talked with me. One of my earlier posts goes into a little bit more detail about that.
Side note: I am very, very good at pushing away and ignoring feelings I get for people. Especially when I really like a person. I shove those feelings away and a lot of the time I will actually push the person away along with it. I'm also a culprit of pushing people away when I know they like me. Well with this guy I didn't push him away. I pushed away my feelings for a long time but not him. Even though I knew how close we were getting.
I was always laughing with him and just having a good time. I was happy. (We did have some more serious conversations too) At times I would get stressed or scared that we were getting too close, but then when he was around I couldn't help but not push him away. I just couldn't do it. It didn't help that we had rehearsal together where I obviously had to be more open.
Anyway, this is turning into a much longer post than I meant! Sorry about that! Well after we performed we continued to hang out and over Spring break we were together for at least a few hours almost every day. There was maybe one or two days when we didn't see each other. We just had fun and talked and laughed and enjoyed ourselves. This is when I started to admit to myself that hey, I really like this guy. Well crap. I still kind of ignored those feelings, but not as solidly as I had been. When we got home I found time to talk to my suitemate and I decided that I would let what happens happen. And if nothing happens then that's okay too.
A few nights ago after he left my room I sat down and just cried. Because I was terrified. I could pretty much tell he liked me, and I knew I liked him and that was scary. I didn't want to hurt him, hurt anyone else (like if someone else liked me too...) or eventually get hurt myself. I was scared.
The next night, he told me how he felt. I was quiet for awhile and explained to him how scared I was and he told me to take my time to figure it out. Well for the past 2-3 days I have had very similar statements and quotes thrown at me for one reason or another. "Guilt tells you your past isn't good enough and fear tells you your future is not worth pursuing" "Follow your impulses, don't be scared of not being perfect or of messing up. Don't limit yourself. Break out of your safe little box." "Is life really alive without taking risks? Pain is a fact of life but that's no reason not to live it." "Don't restrict yourself" "I want you to be happy" "Promise me you will be happy too?"
*rolls eyes* Okay, okay oh powers-that-be, I think I get the hint... :-) It's time for me to move on. It's time to learn and grow. I'm still scared of being hurt, I'm still scared of hurting others, I'm still terrified. But I apparently need to learn how to take a risk or two, and if I'm so happy, I think it's worth the risk.
Now let's see if he reads this first, or waits until after I talk to him, probably shouldn't post this on Facebook right away then... :P
Add on: So, off to devotional I went like right after I wrote this, and he was there and we sat together with a group of friends etc., etc. Well the speaker gets up and says she is going to be talking about Kissing, Dating and Marriage. OK POWERS THAT BE!!! I ALREADY SAID I HAD MY ANSWER!!! But this kind of reaffirmed that for me. And besides with just this situation, it helped me realize a lot of other things about myself too. Usually those talks are the same and repetitive and kind of boring, but this one was very interesting and taught me a lot of things and really put things in to perspective for me. Well we talked afterwards and I told him I was willing to give it a shot, he agreed. So ya! Happy Girl status has not changed at all except for maybe it might have gone up a little ;)
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