The Wonderful Word 'Why?'
What a fun word 'why' is. NOT! Well...actually it can be quite the fun word. But if you are trying to ask that question and can't seem to find an answer anywhere? Than 'why' sucks.
Last week I posted about how blessed I was/am and I meant every single stinkin' word. Well..the very next day, my life decided it wanted to go crazy. My car, that I have spent over $3,000 dollars on trying to get it to be a reliable car, decided it didn't want to start. I had to get it towed from my boyfriends' house back home! To top that off, the tow man was creepy and kept hitting on me and referred to me as 'that' to the neighbor guy that was checking out my car for me. EW! Well neighbor guy noticed a loose cable connected to my battery and he tightened it and voila! My car started! I was so insanely happy! He said I might want to spend a bit of money on this thing that would make my battery vibrate less so the cable doesn't loosen up again. It was about 10 bucks. Yay! I honest to goodness -cried- from happiness, BUT then he notices that my AC Compressor is in not-so-good shape and tells me he is going to look at it and get back to me after dinner. He tries a 20 dollar fix, but it didn't work. The next fix he can try will be about $450. Well...that sucks. But I'm still crying from being happy and thanking my Heavenly Father like crazy because it is better than having a piece of crap car that will die on you at any moment and maybe cause me to get in a car wreck! So I was still okay with it! It sucked...but I was okay with it! Neighbor guy goes back to my car and the next day comes back saying 'I'm sorry. I miss diagnosed that. It isn't your AC Compressor at all. In fact, your AC isn't even connected to the belt anymore.' Ok...so what's wrong with it? Well...there's about $950 worth of repairs to be done on that dang car. I collapsed once I was alone. He also told me that my car wasn't worth it and that if I were him he would drive it until it broke or sell it. My dad tried talking to me about loans and selling and getting a new, nicer car, but none of it could really sink in. I was focused on the 'why.' Why did I feel okay when I bought this car. After I bought it, why was I filled with such peace when I asked for it? Why didn't the mechanics catch all of this the FIRST time I brought it in to them, after I bought it? Why did Heavenly Father let me go through feeling so happy and grateful to him, to just have the rug yanked out from underneath me? Why couldn't my car be fine? Why did I spend all of my mission and New York (for a trip I've always wanted to take) money on this car? Why did I let my savings become completely and totally depleted by this car? Why won't my dad just tell me what to do?
Ya...bad couple of days there! Well THEN, I accidentally let it slip that I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate with my AFA from Western...that opened a whole new can of worms. I talked to someone who became annoyed and angry with me, and I became angry and annoyed with them and it was just a miserable day! I kept getting yelled at for random things and nothing I did was right. Everything was wrong and it was all my fault. That's how I felt anyway. It was just awful! Unhelpful, non-motivating things were said like 'Hey, get ready for her to move back in, she has no idea what she is doing next year so I bet she is just going to be here, not doing anything. Especially since she doesn't have a job." Ouch. And that just makes me angry, hurt, annoyed, pissed, and planning on never, ever living at home again. I felt like the entire family, minus my dad, just wanted me back in Wyoming right then, and I was tempted!
It wasn't made any better by the fact that my boyfriend's parents STILL don't like me. I have been dating their son for almost five months, you figured they would at least be used to me! I'm not around too much so it's not like they can be sick of me, can it? I hate not being liked. Well... people don't have to like me, just don't make it obvious! It hurts to not be liked by people whose respect you really want to gain. As far as I know, I haven't done anything to lose every ounce of grudging respect they randomly sometimes give me! If I have, no one is telling me. Just confront me people! If someone has an issue with me, TELL me! Don't just make me feel not welcome and be passive-aggressive in a way about it. It hurts. I have, unfortunately, cried about it before. It seems ridiculous, "Wahhhh, my boyfriend's parents don't like me!!!" But it's true. I want to know what I have done/am doing wrong, and if it is something I can fix, I will! Easy as pie! Now, if they tell me to break up with him and they will be happy, that won't happen. I need a good reason why I should break up with him, and if they don't have a good reason why he can't be with me, then I will say so. But at least I will know what's up! I hate, hate, hate being obviously disliked when I have no idea what I've done wrong. And I did not mean to put all of this boyfriend stuff in here, but here it is!
Pretty much this week, after talking about how blessed I am, everything seemed to go wrong or try to prove to me that I wasn't blessed, that I wasn't loved or wanted. It was miserable! And I would pray and just end up asking the question 'why?' Why is my life falling apart? Why are people trying to remind me of all the insecurities I had the first time I left for college? Why is it working? Why don't I have an answer when people ask what I'm doing after Western? Why don't I know? Why aren't You helping me? Why do I feel like a tiny, insignificant piece of dirt just waiting to be trampled on some more? Why do my boyfriend's parents dislike me so dang much? Why do they have to make it so obvious they don't like me? Why aren't You telling me how to fix it? Am I really that bad of a person?
This post isn't my usual happy, everything is wonderful, look at all the amazing things in my life, kind of post. Sorry, if you were looking for that. But I also don't want you to think that this is 'oh-so-depressing' and 'oh no, she's human! This blog sucks now!' This post isn't meant to bring anyone down. This post is to show that I am human. That my life is hard too and I get stuck in those spiritual slumps. But thankfully, I know they are slumps that I can work out of. I know that Heavenly Father wouldn't really dessert me. I know I am going through whatever crap is being thrown at me for a reason. I need to try and remember through all of this to learn and to grow from these experiences. I am going through them for my own good and my Savior will always be right next to me, willing me to open the door to let him in, to comfort and to guide.
Last year I wouldn't have thought of that. Last year I would have blamed Heavenly Father and I would have tried to get through it on my own. Last year I would have let the insecurities eat at me. But I am a new person. I have grown a lot in a year. I will slowly, but surely and with my Lord's help conquer everything that is shoved in my face. I am a daughter of God and He will not leave me defenseless. I may have my ups that go way up and my downs that go way down, but He will be there, no matter how far I fall, to lift me up over and over again.
Last week I posted about how blessed I was/am and I meant every single stinkin' word. Well..the very next day, my life decided it wanted to go crazy. My car, that I have spent over $3,000 dollars on trying to get it to be a reliable car, decided it didn't want to start. I had to get it towed from my boyfriends' house back home! To top that off, the tow man was creepy and kept hitting on me and referred to me as 'that' to the neighbor guy that was checking out my car for me. EW! Well neighbor guy noticed a loose cable connected to my battery and he tightened it and voila! My car started! I was so insanely happy! He said I might want to spend a bit of money on this thing that would make my battery vibrate less so the cable doesn't loosen up again. It was about 10 bucks. Yay! I honest to goodness -cried- from happiness, BUT then he notices that my AC Compressor is in not-so-good shape and tells me he is going to look at it and get back to me after dinner. He tries a 20 dollar fix, but it didn't work. The next fix he can try will be about $450. Well...that sucks. But I'm still crying from being happy and thanking my Heavenly Father like crazy because it is better than having a piece of crap car that will die on you at any moment and maybe cause me to get in a car wreck! So I was still okay with it! It sucked...but I was okay with it! Neighbor guy goes back to my car and the next day comes back saying 'I'm sorry. I miss diagnosed that. It isn't your AC Compressor at all. In fact, your AC isn't even connected to the belt anymore.' Ok...so what's wrong with it? Well...there's about $950 worth of repairs to be done on that dang car. I collapsed once I was alone. He also told me that my car wasn't worth it and that if I were him he would drive it until it broke or sell it. My dad tried talking to me about loans and selling and getting a new, nicer car, but none of it could really sink in. I was focused on the 'why.' Why did I feel okay when I bought this car. After I bought it, why was I filled with such peace when I asked for it? Why didn't the mechanics catch all of this the FIRST time I brought it in to them, after I bought it? Why did Heavenly Father let me go through feeling so happy and grateful to him, to just have the rug yanked out from underneath me? Why couldn't my car be fine? Why did I spend all of my mission and New York (for a trip I've always wanted to take) money on this car? Why did I let my savings become completely and totally depleted by this car? Why won't my dad just tell me what to do?
Ya...bad couple of days there! Well THEN, I accidentally let it slip that I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate with my AFA from Western...that opened a whole new can of worms. I talked to someone who became annoyed and angry with me, and I became angry and annoyed with them and it was just a miserable day! I kept getting yelled at for random things and nothing I did was right. Everything was wrong and it was all my fault. That's how I felt anyway. It was just awful! Unhelpful, non-motivating things were said like 'Hey, get ready for her to move back in, she has no idea what she is doing next year so I bet she is just going to be here, not doing anything. Especially since she doesn't have a job." Ouch. And that just makes me angry, hurt, annoyed, pissed, and planning on never, ever living at home again. I felt like the entire family, minus my dad, just wanted me back in Wyoming right then, and I was tempted!
It wasn't made any better by the fact that my boyfriend's parents STILL don't like me. I have been dating their son for almost five months, you figured they would at least be used to me! I'm not around too much so it's not like they can be sick of me, can it? I hate not being liked. Well... people don't have to like me, just don't make it obvious! It hurts to not be liked by people whose respect you really want to gain. As far as I know, I haven't done anything to lose every ounce of grudging respect they randomly sometimes give me! If I have, no one is telling me. Just confront me people! If someone has an issue with me, TELL me! Don't just make me feel not welcome and be passive-aggressive in a way about it. It hurts. I have, unfortunately, cried about it before. It seems ridiculous, "Wahhhh, my boyfriend's parents don't like me!!!" But it's true. I want to know what I have done/am doing wrong, and if it is something I can fix, I will! Easy as pie! Now, if they tell me to break up with him and they will be happy, that won't happen. I need a good reason why I should break up with him, and if they don't have a good reason why he can't be with me, then I will say so. But at least I will know what's up! I hate, hate, hate being obviously disliked when I have no idea what I've done wrong. And I did not mean to put all of this boyfriend stuff in here, but here it is!
Pretty much this week, after talking about how blessed I am, everything seemed to go wrong or try to prove to me that I wasn't blessed, that I wasn't loved or wanted. It was miserable! And I would pray and just end up asking the question 'why?' Why is my life falling apart? Why are people trying to remind me of all the insecurities I had the first time I left for college? Why is it working? Why don't I have an answer when people ask what I'm doing after Western? Why don't I know? Why aren't You helping me? Why do I feel like a tiny, insignificant piece of dirt just waiting to be trampled on some more? Why do my boyfriend's parents dislike me so dang much? Why do they have to make it so obvious they don't like me? Why aren't You telling me how to fix it? Am I really that bad of a person?
This post isn't my usual happy, everything is wonderful, look at all the amazing things in my life, kind of post. Sorry, if you were looking for that. But I also don't want you to think that this is 'oh-so-depressing' and 'oh no, she's human! This blog sucks now!' This post isn't meant to bring anyone down. This post is to show that I am human. That my life is hard too and I get stuck in those spiritual slumps. But thankfully, I know they are slumps that I can work out of. I know that Heavenly Father wouldn't really dessert me. I know I am going through whatever crap is being thrown at me for a reason. I need to try and remember through all of this to learn and to grow from these experiences. I am going through them for my own good and my Savior will always be right next to me, willing me to open the door to let him in, to comfort and to guide.
Last year I wouldn't have thought of that. Last year I would have blamed Heavenly Father and I would have tried to get through it on my own. Last year I would have let the insecurities eat at me. But I am a new person. I have grown a lot in a year. I will slowly, but surely and with my Lord's help conquer everything that is shoved in my face. I am a daughter of God and He will not leave me defenseless. I may have my ups that go way up and my downs that go way down, but He will be there, no matter how far I fall, to lift me up over and over again.
Jasmine, I'm sorry that life has taken a turn for the crappy recently, but I'm so glad you posted about it anyway. It's true, you are human! Stuff happens, but you have an amazing perspective. Thanks for sharing. :) Good luck at school this year! (PS you're not alone. I have no clue what I'm doing after I graduate either. :P)
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