Summer Growth
So I knew this summer that I would grow, a lot. But I didn't expect to grow in the ways I have. Summer Stock has been an amazing experience so far.
One of the main ways I think I have grown as a person is that I am becoming for open to emotion. I hate being the emotional wreck, or the one who cries or anything like that. I hate revealing that kind of emotion. I honestly think it might be because I am scared of that kind of emotion. I don't want to feel the depth of those emotions. But if I don't feel the depth of them, then I don't think I will ever be able to feel the depth of my happiness and joy that I could be capable of.
This summer I am cast as the part of M'Lynn in Steel Magnolias. Her part can be very taxing emotionally, especially the end scene. I don't want to spoil the ending for anyone, but pretty much my character and I break down in tears and sob and sob and sob. This character is very good at hiding her emotions and inner thoughts. She is called at one point 'a brick wall.' I didn't think I would be able to do this scene. It terrifies me. As soon as I know we will be doing any part of Act 2 Scene 2 my entire mind just goes numb and gets terrified. I don't want to feel that emotion that poor M'Lynn has to feel, but the moment I read her words and the words of a girl named Annelle, I collapse. I fall into that huge void. Afterwards it is the hardest thing for me to pull out of. One day I had to go sit in the basement on a couch and just cry some more. The girl who plays Annelle saw me and came and just let me cry on her shoulder for a bit. As hard as this scene is, I know it's good for me and that it is teaching me to be more open with my emotions and to allow myself to feel that kind of pain.
I talked to my director about being able to pull out of it quicker because it usually takes me 15-30 minutes before I can be all perky and happy-go-lucky again and he taught me a technique I can use. I'm excited to try it the next time we run through it. The scene still scares me, that's something I am still working on, but I know I can do it. I know I can pull out of it. I know that it is helping me to be a more emotionally balanced person and I love it.
I am also learning a lot about myself and how I am as a teacher. I need work, but I think someday it will be something I can do. Whether it's pre-school, voice lessons or both, I will know from this experience helping with the kids' show what my strengths and weaknesses are.
I am also growing spiritually. I have been so much better at reading my scriptures more regularly and I love that. I have noticed that on the days I forget, my day is just a little more hectic and crazy and harder to get through. I love having the Gospel in my life and I love having a boyfriend who is constantly giving me advice that relates to the Gospel. If I'm having a hard time he tells me to pray for peace, etc. It has been so helpful to have that influence in my life, constantly reminding me that my Heavenly Father is here to help me, comfort me, love me, and lead me in whatever path I decide to take in this life. I am so grateful for this opportunity that Jamie Young and my Heavenly Father have given me to participate in Summer Stock and I am so happy that my director, Brian Owen, is trusting me with such an emotional role in Steel Magnolias and is also helping me grow in the other direction by giving me the part of Sister Mary Amnesia in Nunsense. The summer is only almost half over and I have already learned so much. I can't wait for whatever the rest of this summer brings!
One of the main ways I think I have grown as a person is that I am becoming for open to emotion. I hate being the emotional wreck, or the one who cries or anything like that. I hate revealing that kind of emotion. I honestly think it might be because I am scared of that kind of emotion. I don't want to feel the depth of those emotions. But if I don't feel the depth of them, then I don't think I will ever be able to feel the depth of my happiness and joy that I could be capable of.
This summer I am cast as the part of M'Lynn in Steel Magnolias. Her part can be very taxing emotionally, especially the end scene. I don't want to spoil the ending for anyone, but pretty much my character and I break down in tears and sob and sob and sob. This character is very good at hiding her emotions and inner thoughts. She is called at one point 'a brick wall.' I didn't think I would be able to do this scene. It terrifies me. As soon as I know we will be doing any part of Act 2 Scene 2 my entire mind just goes numb and gets terrified. I don't want to feel that emotion that poor M'Lynn has to feel, but the moment I read her words and the words of a girl named Annelle, I collapse. I fall into that huge void. Afterwards it is the hardest thing for me to pull out of. One day I had to go sit in the basement on a couch and just cry some more. The girl who plays Annelle saw me and came and just let me cry on her shoulder for a bit. As hard as this scene is, I know it's good for me and that it is teaching me to be more open with my emotions and to allow myself to feel that kind of pain.
I talked to my director about being able to pull out of it quicker because it usually takes me 15-30 minutes before I can be all perky and happy-go-lucky again and he taught me a technique I can use. I'm excited to try it the next time we run through it. The scene still scares me, that's something I am still working on, but I know I can do it. I know I can pull out of it. I know that it is helping me to be a more emotionally balanced person and I love it.
I am also learning a lot about myself and how I am as a teacher. I need work, but I think someday it will be something I can do. Whether it's pre-school, voice lessons or both, I will know from this experience helping with the kids' show what my strengths and weaknesses are.
I am also growing spiritually. I have been so much better at reading my scriptures more regularly and I love that. I have noticed that on the days I forget, my day is just a little more hectic and crazy and harder to get through. I love having the Gospel in my life and I love having a boyfriend who is constantly giving me advice that relates to the Gospel. If I'm having a hard time he tells me to pray for peace, etc. It has been so helpful to have that influence in my life, constantly reminding me that my Heavenly Father is here to help me, comfort me, love me, and lead me in whatever path I decide to take in this life. I am so grateful for this opportunity that Jamie Young and my Heavenly Father have given me to participate in Summer Stock and I am so happy that my director, Brian Owen, is trusting me with such an emotional role in Steel Magnolias and is also helping me grow in the other direction by giving me the part of Sister Mary Amnesia in Nunsense. The summer is only almost half over and I have already learned so much. I can't wait for whatever the rest of this summer brings!
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