Chasing Butterflies

Okay, in case you don't know Martina McBride, this title is the name of one of her songs that I think describes me pretty dang well right now! Oh hey, I can post the lyrics... I used to live in a darkened room Had a face of stone And a heart of gloom Lost my hope, I was so far gone Cryin' all my tears With the curtains drawn I didn't know until my soul broke free I've got these angels watching over me Oh watch me go I'm a happy girl Everybody knows That the sweetest thing you'll ever see In the whole wide world Is a happy girl I used to hide in a party crowd Bottled up inside Feeling so left out Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes With my frozen smile And my lighted fuse Now every time I start to feel like that I roll my heart out like a welcome mat Oh watch me go I'm a happy girl Everybody knows That the sweetest thing you'll ever see In the whole wide world Is a happy girl Laugh when I feel like it Cry whe...

Well so far I have only really talked about obstacles I am attempting to overcome, so I think it's time to talk about one of my hopes and dreams. One of my biggest small dreams (like it's one of my smaller dreams I have but the biggest one out of those smaller dreams...if that makes any sense!) that I have had for years is to be able to record. Even if it's just semi-professional or some random friend of mine's recording studio, I need to record someday. Singing is my passion. Singing is what I have been doing my entire life and if anything ever happened to cause me to lose my voice or not be able to sing anymore, I think I would become comatose. Just a shadow of a person walking around. My voice is a huge part of my identity. Music is what helped me get into theatre. And now I'm majoring in Musical Theatre because of it. Back to recording... I just want to be able to say that I have recorded. I want to be able to experience the entire process of recording in a ...

Well I finally thought of something not so religious to write about! This is more about a certain aspect of my Senior year that was really hard for me to cope with, but that I am slowly overcoming, which is why I thought it would be appropriate for me to put in here. The summer before my Senior year I ran every day for about 1-3 miles. It was generally about 2. I ate less than 1500 calories, healthy calories too, a day. By the end of the summer I hadn't lost a single pound. I felt a little better but my self-confidence was still very, very low. I didn't understand why my body wouldn't let me lose weight. I felt like I was huge and that people were judging me on a daily basis because of my weight. My mom finally took me to a doctor to get some blood work done. But nothing really showed up. So my mom finally agreed to let me try the HCG diet. It worked for her, so why not me? Well the first 3 weeks were great, I lost 20 pounds. The next 6 weeks were hell. On this diet you...

I love tunnel singing! With all of my heart, might, mind and strength! Background for those of you who don't know what tunnel singing is... Well it's when you go to BYU campus and go to this tunnel by the Marriot Center and there is a huge group of people and you sing hymns. Sounds kinda weird right? Well I love it! The first 30 minutes is kind of just more fun songs, then there is a brief missionary minute where we just recognize those who have been called on missions and then we sing "Called to Serve Him", then it is the more spiritual/emotional/ i almost want to say solemn, but it's not quite solemn... songs. And we always end with "I Need Thee Every Hour" with everyone in their little groups with their arms around each other singing and then humming one more verse at the end. And there is an opening and closing prayer. It is absolutely amazing! Back to my story! I LOVE TUNNEL SINGING! Sorry, just had to reiterate that! Every time I go I feel the ...

This last week was one of the most crazy weeks I have ever had in my entire life. I had tests, loads of homework and performances all over the place. I honest to goodness had no idea how I was going to get through it. I was super stressed and to top it all off I kept thinking about some past experiences in my life that had hurt me, a lot. (Maybe sometime I will kind of explain all those more) On Wednesday night it was especially bad. I kept thinking about this person and how much he had meant to me and how he was destroying his life now. I also kept having huge feelings of guilt about past experiences that I still haven't been able to forgive myself for despite having done the whole repentance process (Again, maybe I will kind of explain that in another post). I was extraordinarily upset and wanted a blessing (something in my church) but I felt like it would be ridiculous if I asked for one for these reasons. Ask someone to take time out of their day to give me comfort because of...

So I really don't know how to start a blog, and I don't know why I am doing one really...I am not good at explaining things. It seems to me that when I explain things people get more and more confused, but I am told that it actually does make sense. So we shall see how this whole blog thing goes! I figured it would be a fun thing to do since I tend to forget to write in my journal, and this can probably be considered somewhat of a journal! Well like my description of "Chasing Butterflies" said, this is all about my hopes, dreams, wannabe achievements, my journey towards them, different experiences in my life and anything else I want to talk about! I honestly don't know how good I will be at keeping on this, but it's worth a shot :)