Chasing Butterflies

The past few months I have felt worthless, ugly, annoying, annoyed, a bother, fake, etc. etc. And at the same time I felt nothing. The beginning of this summer I was on Cloud 9! I was so happy, the world was alive, I was alive, and everyone/thing around me was perfect. Even though I knew it wasn't, I loved to see it that way. I felt my Heavenly Father's love for me and I felt the love I had for Him and for others. I could tell that the people I kept around me loved me. Then something happened. I realized later that I had stopped reading my scriptures and saying my prayers every day. I stopped actively looking  for the good. I still read and prayed, but not as often. And I could be happy! But it was short-lived and often had to be forced in order to not seem totally bipolar when the emptiness came back inside me. I wasn't suicidal, I didn't consider myself depressed, I never thought about harming myself. I just really, really, really didn't like myself. At all....

Yup. This is that post. Now, I'm actually in a pretty good place. Which is nice, because a few weeks ago I was really NOT in a good place. And that shall be another blog post. BUT last night, I had a bit of a relapse. I have some truly wonderful friends. However, sometimes I hear/see/read them say something like, "Oh, Jasmine is great! I love hanging out with her and she is just a really fun person! BUT, I'm worried/scared she might like me." ... Thanks. I'm glad my affections, IF I even have any like that for you, are a cause for worry, frustration, repulsion, etc. Now, let's face it, I seem to make my best of friends the most beautiful of people I, or anyone else, knows. My closest female friends are all very sought-after women. And then there's me. The side-kick. The puppy dog. That girl who is really funny when you put her on caffeine. That girl who is kinda pretty and has the gorgeous and/or witty, perfect best friend. The girl who is fun to...

So, this past week (minus the past few days!) has been weird! I have not been my normal, sunshine-y, everything is happy self. I've been: PRINCESS MOODY (or the Moody Wench, as I like to to call her). Dun, dun, DUN! And it was awful. But a few days ago, I discovered how to cure myself, and anyone, of being Princess (or Prince!) Moody. Ready. Set. GO! How to: VANQUISH Princess/Prince Moody (or the Moody Wench) 1) Start reading scriptures again. With an open-heart. Yeah... I had slacked off from the day before I moved, until just a few days ago. That's when I realized this could EASILY be a major reason why I was being such a brat. The scriptures are here for us to learn, to teach, and to help us feel peace. I had been upset about the decision I had made to stay here. Once I had made that decision, all of this opposition seemed to come flying at me (Hello, Jasmine. That is your cue that it is a GOOD choice. Idiot.). I didn't understand, I didn't want to be in the m...

*DISCLAIMER: THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG BLOG POST* Well, my friends. I stayed in BV for the summer (Whhaaaatt?!) and now I am staying even longer (WHHaaaaat?!??!?!) AND I don't actually know how long it will be, just that it will be for a good amount of time (WHAAAAATTT?!?!?!?!?!?!). Yup. Brigham's Playhouse, I hope, will still play a part in my future, or at least working for a company as beautiful as that one. But, for now, the Lord has seen it fit to keep me here for a bit longer. How did this happen? Jasmine, we know that you grew to love SVU, but staying ? Why? Nina in "Dear World" The Lord is a funny and wonderful Divine Being. He has a great sense of humor, too. The decision to stay in BV for the summer musical occurred for multiple reasons that I will not get in to, but basically, that was a huge fork in the road for me that decided a lot of my future I feel. I never received a definite "Yes, Jasmine. You must stay." I never felt a "No...

Ohhh hello Blog. Good to see you again. I've neglected you for far too long. I apologize to anyone who has actually consistently followed my blog... I just.. didn't have the heart to write. It is exactly 1:30 n the morning as I write this, but I just felt this need  to say something. It was a realization I JUST had: I. Am. Beautiful. Gah! I've never said those words about myself before. Never. I've said that I feel beautiful, or that life is beautiful, but I have never said the words "I am beautiful." Well, guess what? I am. And so are you. In all of our imperfections we are beautiful. I was admiring my hands and how they move. I was admiring the way the bones move and how I just love the little hollow down by my small wrists. Then I started going up and down on my toes and I saw the muscles moving on my calves and I felt how strong and hard they are. I danced past a mirror in my apartment and am I perfect? Absolutely not! Am I terribly flawed physicall...