Seeking Truth... and Sticking To It.
*DISCLAIMER: THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG BLOG POST*
Well, my friends. I stayed in BV for the summer (Whhaaaatt?!) and now I am staying even longer (WHHaaaaat?!??!?!) AND I don't actually know how long it will be, just that it will be for a good amount of time (WHAAAAATTT?!?!?!?!?!?!). Yup. Brigham's Playhouse, I hope, will still play a part in my future, or at least working for a company as beautiful as that one. But, for now, the Lord has seen it fit to keep me here for a bit longer.
How did this happen? Jasmine, we know that you grew to love SVU, but staying? Why?
The Lord is a funny and wonderful Divine Being. He has a great sense of humor, too. The decision to stay in BV for the summer musical occurred for multiple reasons that I will not get in to, but basically, that was a huge fork in the road for me that decided a lot of my future I feel. I never received a definite "Yes, Jasmine. You must stay." I never felt a "Nope. Go home. You're done." either. I felt like my life could have gone in either direction, so I chose the one that just seemed kind of right and then I hoped and prayed I had made the right decision and that I would not regret it! Well, no regrets! I have absolutely LOVED being a part of SVU's production of "Dear World". After "Secret Garden", it is the musical that has meant the most to me to be a part of. Plus, I finally was able to play someone my age on the SVU stage. That was a fun new experience. ;)
Throughout the show I would randomly pray about when I was supposed to leave. I have grown closer to, and made, many friends this summer and I was very sad to leave. Excited for my future! Sad to leave. I finally came to the conclusion that the middle of July would be it. It just made sense to me! I had a friend driving to Missouri, I would be able to go with her and then fly Southwest (free luggage!) and get home and then a week or so later head to St. George/Washington, UT! Perfect!
Well, a week ago today, I caught my very dear friend Meg Redner on the computer. She is on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and so catching her on the computer doesn't happen very often! I love when I do, though. She always has some of the best insights and encouraging words to say. We were talking, and I was eating Ramen, and I decided to pray again about when I should leave- I started with middle of July. I felt nothing. I tried asking about another time during the summer. I still felt nothing. I was getting frustrated and so on a whim I decided to just ask Him, "What?! Am I just supposed to stay here for like a year or more?".... bad question, Jasmine. Bad question. Because the warm, fuzzy, pounding feeling in my heart immediately started. I yelled, "No!", almost threw my Ramen, and then burst into tears. Don't get me wrong, I have grown to love so many people and so many parts of this wonderful little town, but by the Fall I was supposed to be doing theatre 24/7! I would be completely committed to my art for the rest of my life!!! I continued emailing my dear friend until her time was up. I. Was. Freaking. Out. The only thought that ran through my head clear as a bell (amid my freaking out thoughts of "I can't afford to stay! What will I do? I have plans!! I refuse to put off my dreams for anything!!! What is this!!!?") was "I have unfinished business at SVU."
Welp.
So, I decided to ask a friend to let me talk it out, and then possibly give me a blessing. We talked, he calmed me down a bit, I laughed almost hysterically instead of crying, and then Family Home Evening started. We were doing yard work. Let me tell you, I've missed doing yard work! Usually in the summers I'm outside with my mom or at my Grandmother's constantly weeding, planting, pruning, and getting a great tan! So, between talking with a truly wonderful friend, and doing yard work, I was able to calm my heart down a bit and act like a normal human. :)
The next day I was still freaking out a bit. I was reading in the Book of Mormon and I saw how often Alma and Amulek prayed and fasted when they needed an answer, or comfort, or anything really, from the Lord. So I decided to fast! Woot! I knew I needed help coming to grips with the answer I had received and to feel peace and remember that when the Lord shows you the path you are meant to take, He will also help provide for you.
That fast helped me calm down so much. In the evening I received a blessing from the aforementioned dear friend, which also provided a lot of comfort and some enlightenment. To any and all of you that are LDS, I strongly recommend asking for blessings. I know I have a really hard time asking for them. I feel incredibly selfish and like I am just whining when I ask for them. Stop it. We all need to stop thinking like that. The blessings of the Priesthood are gifts we are meant to use and love. I know it is hard, I still have an incredibly difficult time asking, but do it. If you are struggling, if you are sick, if you just feel downright sad for no reason and you even briefly consider a blessing, then GO ASK FOR A BLESSING. The end. (of that rant...).
The next day I called my family and told them I was staying. It was sad, but when I told them the story of how I came to this decision they all understood. We decided I'm going to try and come out and visit for a few weeks sometime soon. Then, I started acting on my answer. I emailed my landlady, I started looking for housing, and for a job. Oooof! Scary! Things were going great for a few days, rather stressful, but great.
Now, my friends, is the "sticking to it" part of my title. The past few days have been incredibly difficult. I have not wanted to follow the Lord's direction. Opportunities in Utah just appeared. Friends asked me to come home, or to come help with beautiful theatre things. Yup. Brigham's Playhouse is looking for teachers/staff for their youth show. With housing and pay. And I had to say no. And I really didn't want to say no. I had a MAJOR bout of homesickness. I just wanted/want to be home, I wanted to do yard work with my mom, go to my little sisters' swim lessons, hang out with the older two sisters, go to Walmart or Lowe's with my dad, and sit on my mom's bed and talk. And then, I discovered that due to me staying, I will be the cause of pain for a few people. Some from home, some from here.
If anyone knows me, they know that I do NOT like causing pain in others or myself. I am all about the happy! Even if I am not happy, I am all about making sure I at least appear to be happy. Eventually, it even makes me legitimately happy! Life is beautiful, love is beautiful, life is meant to be lived, and love is meant to happen every day. Yes, there will be crap, but you can still be happy through the crap! To discover that I would be the cause of people's pain, one person in particular, killed me. Is killing me. To cause a friend that means so much to me so much pain just eats away at me. My heart literally aches for this person and for my wish that I could do something to lift this person's burdens. Life would be so much easier if I could just go home, go work for Brigham's Playhouse, do yard work, forget about staying in BV, earn money for grad school, and move on with my life. Unfortunately, the Lord's way is not always the easiest way. I know the Lord will find a way for everyone's pain to be lessened, and for His plans to someday make sense to everyone. He does not leave us alone. He never forgets us. Doctrine and Covenants 50: 40-44 is a prime example of His promising us we will never be left alone:
"40 Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.
41 Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me;
42 And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost.
43 And the Father and I are one. I am in the Father and the Father in me; and inasmuch as ye have received me, ye are in me and I in you.
44 Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd, and the stone of Israel. He that buildeth upon this rock shall never fall."
I know this decision and this life-change is going to be hard (for some others as well as myself), and possibly just absolutely fraught with trial. But I know that as long as we put our trust in the Lord, He will NEVER forget us. He will NEVER lead us down paths we were not meant to follow. He will teach us. He will never leave us alone.
Other scriptures that have provided me with a lot of comfort this past week have been Hebrews 10, Ether 12, 1 Nephi 21: 15-16, Luke 12: 27-30, and Alma 26. I recommend reading them. All of them. Take a week to study each one of the full chapters I read. They show so much of the Lord's love for us. He wants us to know that the Atonement is not just for repentance. We can use the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to strengthen us to overcome our burdens. The Atonement is to provide us strength. We need to always use the yoke He provides.
Our Father in Heaven knows that He has not set any of us on an easy path. But He is there. He is waiting. He loves us and wants us to succeed and follow His plan for us. He created the universe and He created us. I think He knows what He is doing. :)
All of my love!!
Well, my friends. I stayed in BV for the summer (Whhaaaatt?!) and now I am staying even longer (WHHaaaaat?!??!?!) AND I don't actually know how long it will be, just that it will be for a good amount of time (WHAAAAATTT?!?!?!?!?!?!). Yup. Brigham's Playhouse, I hope, will still play a part in my future, or at least working for a company as beautiful as that one. But, for now, the Lord has seen it fit to keep me here for a bit longer.
How did this happen? Jasmine, we know that you grew to love SVU, but staying? Why?
 |
| Nina in "Dear World" |
Throughout the show I would randomly pray about when I was supposed to leave. I have grown closer to, and made, many friends this summer and I was very sad to leave. Excited for my future! Sad to leave. I finally came to the conclusion that the middle of July would be it. It just made sense to me! I had a friend driving to Missouri, I would be able to go with her and then fly Southwest (free luggage!) and get home and then a week or so later head to St. George/Washington, UT! Perfect!
Well, a week ago today, I caught my very dear friend Meg Redner on the computer. She is on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and so catching her on the computer doesn't happen very often! I love when I do, though. She always has some of the best insights and encouraging words to say. We were talking, and I was eating Ramen, and I decided to pray again about when I should leave- I started with middle of July. I felt nothing. I tried asking about another time during the summer. I still felt nothing. I was getting frustrated and so on a whim I decided to just ask Him, "What?! Am I just supposed to stay here for like a year or more?".... bad question, Jasmine. Bad question. Because the warm, fuzzy, pounding feeling in my heart immediately started. I yelled, "No!", almost threw my Ramen, and then burst into tears. Don't get me wrong, I have grown to love so many people and so many parts of this wonderful little town, but by the Fall I was supposed to be doing theatre 24/7! I would be completely committed to my art for the rest of my life!!! I continued emailing my dear friend until her time was up. I. Was. Freaking. Out. The only thought that ran through my head clear as a bell (amid my freaking out thoughts of "I can't afford to stay! What will I do? I have plans!! I refuse to put off my dreams for anything!!! What is this!!!?") was "I have unfinished business at SVU."
Welp.
So, I decided to ask a friend to let me talk it out, and then possibly give me a blessing. We talked, he calmed me down a bit, I laughed almost hysterically instead of crying, and then Family Home Evening started. We were doing yard work. Let me tell you, I've missed doing yard work! Usually in the summers I'm outside with my mom or at my Grandmother's constantly weeding, planting, pruning, and getting a great tan! So, between talking with a truly wonderful friend, and doing yard work, I was able to calm my heart down a bit and act like a normal human. :)
The next day I was still freaking out a bit. I was reading in the Book of Mormon and I saw how often Alma and Amulek prayed and fasted when they needed an answer, or comfort, or anything really, from the Lord. So I decided to fast! Woot! I knew I needed help coming to grips with the answer I had received and to feel peace and remember that when the Lord shows you the path you are meant to take, He will also help provide for you.
That fast helped me calm down so much. In the evening I received a blessing from the aforementioned dear friend, which also provided a lot of comfort and some enlightenment. To any and all of you that are LDS, I strongly recommend asking for blessings. I know I have a really hard time asking for them. I feel incredibly selfish and like I am just whining when I ask for them. Stop it. We all need to stop thinking like that. The blessings of the Priesthood are gifts we are meant to use and love. I know it is hard, I still have an incredibly difficult time asking, but do it. If you are struggling, if you are sick, if you just feel downright sad for no reason and you even briefly consider a blessing, then GO ASK FOR A BLESSING. The end. (of that rant...).
The next day I called my family and told them I was staying. It was sad, but when I told them the story of how I came to this decision they all understood. We decided I'm going to try and come out and visit for a few weeks sometime soon. Then, I started acting on my answer. I emailed my landlady, I started looking for housing, and for a job. Oooof! Scary! Things were going great for a few days, rather stressful, but great.
Now, my friends, is the "sticking to it" part of my title. The past few days have been incredibly difficult. I have not wanted to follow the Lord's direction. Opportunities in Utah just appeared. Friends asked me to come home, or to come help with beautiful theatre things. Yup. Brigham's Playhouse is looking for teachers/staff for their youth show. With housing and pay. And I had to say no. And I really didn't want to say no. I had a MAJOR bout of homesickness. I just wanted/want to be home, I wanted to do yard work with my mom, go to my little sisters' swim lessons, hang out with the older two sisters, go to Walmart or Lowe's with my dad, and sit on my mom's bed and talk. And then, I discovered that due to me staying, I will be the cause of pain for a few people. Some from home, some from here.
If anyone knows me, they know that I do NOT like causing pain in others or myself. I am all about the happy! Even if I am not happy, I am all about making sure I at least appear to be happy. Eventually, it even makes me legitimately happy! Life is beautiful, love is beautiful, life is meant to be lived, and love is meant to happen every day. Yes, there will be crap, but you can still be happy through the crap! To discover that I would be the cause of people's pain, one person in particular, killed me. Is killing me. To cause a friend that means so much to me so much pain just eats away at me. My heart literally aches for this person and for my wish that I could do something to lift this person's burdens. Life would be so much easier if I could just go home, go work for Brigham's Playhouse, do yard work, forget about staying in BV, earn money for grad school, and move on with my life. Unfortunately, the Lord's way is not always the easiest way. I know the Lord will find a way for everyone's pain to be lessened, and for His plans to someday make sense to everyone. He does not leave us alone. He never forgets us. Doctrine and Covenants 50: 40-44 is a prime example of His promising us we will never be left alone:
"40 Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.
41 Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me;
42 And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost.
43 And the Father and I are one. I am in the Father and the Father in me; and inasmuch as ye have received me, ye are in me and I in you.
44 Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd, and the stone of Israel. He that buildeth upon this rock shall never fall."
I know this decision and this life-change is going to be hard (for some others as well as myself), and possibly just absolutely fraught with trial. But I know that as long as we put our trust in the Lord, He will NEVER forget us. He will NEVER lead us down paths we were not meant to follow. He will teach us. He will never leave us alone.
Other scriptures that have provided me with a lot of comfort this past week have been Hebrews 10, Ether 12, 1 Nephi 21: 15-16, Luke 12: 27-30, and Alma 26. I recommend reading them. All of them. Take a week to study each one of the full chapters I read. They show so much of the Lord's love for us. He wants us to know that the Atonement is not just for repentance. We can use the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to strengthen us to overcome our burdens. The Atonement is to provide us strength. We need to always use the yoke He provides.
Our Father in Heaven knows that He has not set any of us on an easy path. But He is there. He is waiting. He loves us and wants us to succeed and follow His plan for us. He created the universe and He created us. I think He knows what He is doing. :)
All of my love!!
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