Discovering Love
The past few months I have felt worthless, ugly, annoying, annoyed, a bother, fake, etc. etc. And at the same time I felt nothing.
The beginning of this summer I was on Cloud 9! I was so happy, the world was alive, I was alive, and everyone/thing around me was perfect. Even though I knew it wasn't, I loved to see it that way. I felt my Heavenly Father's love for me and I felt the love I had for Him and for others. I could tell that the people I kept around me loved me.
Then something happened. I realized later that I had stopped reading my scriptures and saying my prayers every day. I stopped actively looking for the good. I still read and prayed, but not as often. And I could be happy! But it was short-lived and often had to be forced in order to not seem totally bipolar when the emptiness came back inside me.
I wasn't suicidal, I didn't consider myself depressed, I never thought about harming myself. I just really, really, really didn't like myself. At all. I still struggle with some aspects of loving myself, but I am improving.
The only time I felt love and true happiness was when I was at rehearsals and working my butt off to make this show a good one. I was surrounded by a unified cast and we all tried to keep the Spirit with us throughout rehearsals.
Then came Fast Sunday, which happened to be the same Sunday as the Sunday we do fasts for Tech Week. So, I fasted. For a lot. I fasted for my callings, I fasted for friends, and I fasted that I would be able to FEEL. That I would be able to have compassion on myself and on others. That I could feel the Savior's love in my life. By this point, I was doing better with scripture reading and praying, but I still wasn't feeling much of anything.
My dear friend, Meg, who is currently serving a mission, sent me a letter. She told me to look up a talk by Thomas B. Griffith called, "The Very Root of Christian Doctrine." She didn't know the struggles I'd been having. But after church that Sunday I decided to read it. It changed my entire perspective on the Atonement and on the love that Heavenly Father feels for me and how those around me love me, as well. I wanted to sit and cry. I didn't! I had to make food for the Break the Fast with the cast that night. BUT, I did have the impulse to text about half of the contacts in my phone telling them that I loved them. I did. And I wasn't expecting much in return, but the responses I received were astounding. So much love, so much well-wishing. I was able to catch up with old friends and feel the love we still had for each other.
Later, I went to the testimony meeting with the cast and almost from the moment it began I started bawling. The amount of the Lord's love I could feel is beyond description. I could feel him witnessing to me that the Gospel is true and that the Atonement is real. He lives, and He loves me. He allowed me to feel the love the others in the room had for me and my poor tear ducts couldn't handle it. I just cried like a baby. I bore my testimony about love and the Atonement of Christ. I cried and I thanked each and every single one of them in that room for the love and kindness they have shown me.
Since then, I have been better about reading my scriptures and praying. I look for the good in everything. I am trying to become who I was this summer. There have been many moments when I have relapsed into self-loathing, but it isn't as hard to get out of. I just have to remind myself that these people love me, and if I pray for help, He WILL help me.
I've received Priesthood blessings, and reassurances of love from my friends. I remember the moment I realized I was "back." It was opening night of Antigone. My dear, dear friend Jessica and I decided to pray before the show. We both needed it. It was her turn to pray and during the pray I had tears streaming down my face, because during that prayer, I could feel the Spirit filling my veins. I felt alive. When the prayer was ended I just had to look at Jessica out of shining, wet eyes hug her, and tell her that I was back and that I loved her. We had a joyful moment, and then a beautiful show.
That night the cast went out to Berkey's. Such a beloved place. ;) I was so high off my happiness and off knowing that I was back and that I wouldn't have to fight as hard to get out of the pits of nothing/unhappiness. The cast thought I had had too much caffeine, or was on an opening night high, but it was just a high off of life and love! It was a beautiful moment and a great night. One I don't think I will ever forget.
If anyone who is reading this has ever struggled with some of these feelings PLEASE just remember to pray. Read your scriptures. Keep your Heavenly Father close. Find a friend who can help encourage you and that you can tell everything too. Pray together. Seek blessings. Find something to do that is cathartic for you: art, music, theatre, reading, creating, exercising, etc. Do it, and do it with a prayer in your heart and knowing that every thing you do is for God.
He loves you. He lives. He wants you to be happy. Slowly start taking down those walls brick by brick. It is hard, it is something I am still doing and I know will be doing for the rest of my life, BUT it is possible! These walls can be diminished and made weaker. We don't need walls, we need a foundation of Christ. And then we can use THAT foundation to build walls. But not scary walls, inviting walls that you look at and see home. We cannot build our homes in our minds on top of fear, rejection, hate, or a lack of love. Our foundation is LOVE. Please remember that and please always try to keep it in your mind and heart. It is a lifelong battle, but it gets easier and easier the more we do it.
I love you, my dear and darling friend.
The beginning of this summer I was on Cloud 9! I was so happy, the world was alive, I was alive, and everyone/thing around me was perfect. Even though I knew it wasn't, I loved to see it that way. I felt my Heavenly Father's love for me and I felt the love I had for Him and for others. I could tell that the people I kept around me loved me.
Then something happened. I realized later that I had stopped reading my scriptures and saying my prayers every day. I stopped actively looking for the good. I still read and prayed, but not as often. And I could be happy! But it was short-lived and often had to be forced in order to not seem totally bipolar when the emptiness came back inside me.
I wasn't suicidal, I didn't consider myself depressed, I never thought about harming myself. I just really, really, really didn't like myself. At all. I still struggle with some aspects of loving myself, but I am improving.
The only time I felt love and true happiness was when I was at rehearsals and working my butt off to make this show a good one. I was surrounded by a unified cast and we all tried to keep the Spirit with us throughout rehearsals.
Then came Fast Sunday, which happened to be the same Sunday as the Sunday we do fasts for Tech Week. So, I fasted. For a lot. I fasted for my callings, I fasted for friends, and I fasted that I would be able to FEEL. That I would be able to have compassion on myself and on others. That I could feel the Savior's love in my life. By this point, I was doing better with scripture reading and praying, but I still wasn't feeling much of anything.
My dear friend, Meg, who is currently serving a mission, sent me a letter. She told me to look up a talk by Thomas B. Griffith called, "The Very Root of Christian Doctrine." She didn't know the struggles I'd been having. But after church that Sunday I decided to read it. It changed my entire perspective on the Atonement and on the love that Heavenly Father feels for me and how those around me love me, as well. I wanted to sit and cry. I didn't! I had to make food for the Break the Fast with the cast that night. BUT, I did have the impulse to text about half of the contacts in my phone telling them that I loved them. I did. And I wasn't expecting much in return, but the responses I received were astounding. So much love, so much well-wishing. I was able to catch up with old friends and feel the love we still had for each other.
Later, I went to the testimony meeting with the cast and almost from the moment it began I started bawling. The amount of the Lord's love I could feel is beyond description. I could feel him witnessing to me that the Gospel is true and that the Atonement is real. He lives, and He loves me. He allowed me to feel the love the others in the room had for me and my poor tear ducts couldn't handle it. I just cried like a baby. I bore my testimony about love and the Atonement of Christ. I cried and I thanked each and every single one of them in that room for the love and kindness they have shown me.
Since then, I have been better about reading my scriptures and praying. I look for the good in everything. I am trying to become who I was this summer. There have been many moments when I have relapsed into self-loathing, but it isn't as hard to get out of. I just have to remind myself that these people love me, and if I pray for help, He WILL help me.
I've received Priesthood blessings, and reassurances of love from my friends. I remember the moment I realized I was "back." It was opening night of Antigone. My dear, dear friend Jessica and I decided to pray before the show. We both needed it. It was her turn to pray and during the pray I had tears streaming down my face, because during that prayer, I could feel the Spirit filling my veins. I felt alive. When the prayer was ended I just had to look at Jessica out of shining, wet eyes hug her, and tell her that I was back and that I loved her. We had a joyful moment, and then a beautiful show.
That night the cast went out to Berkey's. Such a beloved place. ;) I was so high off my happiness and off knowing that I was back and that I wouldn't have to fight as hard to get out of the pits of nothing/unhappiness. The cast thought I had had too much caffeine, or was on an opening night high, but it was just a high off of life and love! It was a beautiful moment and a great night. One I don't think I will ever forget.
If anyone who is reading this has ever struggled with some of these feelings PLEASE just remember to pray. Read your scriptures. Keep your Heavenly Father close. Find a friend who can help encourage you and that you can tell everything too. Pray together. Seek blessings. Find something to do that is cathartic for you: art, music, theatre, reading, creating, exercising, etc. Do it, and do it with a prayer in your heart and knowing that every thing you do is for God.
He loves you. He lives. He wants you to be happy. Slowly start taking down those walls brick by brick. It is hard, it is something I am still doing and I know will be doing for the rest of my life, BUT it is possible! These walls can be diminished and made weaker. We don't need walls, we need a foundation of Christ. And then we can use THAT foundation to build walls. But not scary walls, inviting walls that you look at and see home. We cannot build our homes in our minds on top of fear, rejection, hate, or a lack of love. Our foundation is LOVE. Please remember that and please always try to keep it in your mind and heart. It is a lifelong battle, but it gets easier and easier the more we do it.
I love you, my dear and darling friend.
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