To ask, or not to ask?
To ask, or not to ask? This is a very prominent question in my life! Ok...not worded just like that, but I am constantly wondering if I should ask people questions. Not just any questions, but questions that involve doing something for me, or helping me.
I always feel awful asking people to help me. I feel like I am taking precious time out of their lives that they could be putting to better use elsewhere: helping themselves, helping other people who need it a lot more than me, doing something fun and entertaining, whatever! I feel guilty asking people to give me a massage when I hurt, give me a blessing when I hurt in a different way, come listen to me do this monologue or song and critique me and help me get better (that one isn't as hard, but it takes forever and a day before I finally just go and ask the dang question), listen to me vent, give me a hug, come hang out with me, asking for food, etc. etc. etc. I feel guilty asking ALL those questions! And it's ridiculous I know, but true.
I even have a hard time asking Heavenly Father for help when I know there are other people out there that need His help and His guidance way more than me. And I feel selfish for thinking of myself and for looking to Him for help. Stupid? Yes. True? Yes. I just don't feel like I am worth His time. My problems aren't that bad, I should be able to figure them out on my own.
On Saturday night...so just like 2 nights ago...I was pretty much consumed with this feeling of guilt for things that have happened in my past. I was SO grateful my suite mate was asleep and I didn't have a roommate. I was honestly sobbing on my knees next to my bed. Pitiful I know. I kept asking Heavenly Father "why?" Why did I still feel this guilt when I have done everything I have been told I have to do to be forgiven. Why didn't He answer my prayers? Why did I miss (insert name here), when all he was, was awful to me? Yes, he had his good moments, but almost everything that he did had an ulterior motive. He was emotionally abusive, he is most of the reason I feel so guilty all the time but try to hide it and when it comes out, holy cow, it pours! 1) I feel like I failed in my friendship with him. 2) Things happened with him that shouldn't have. Anyway, then I started asking why was I so selfish to just be asking all these questions about me? Why could I only really think about me? Why did I feel like no one cared? (When I know people love and care about me, I was busy wallowing and didn't try to think positively) Why did I fail at everything I tried to do right? (Friendship, repentance, etc.)
When I woke up on Sunday, it wasn't much better. I was still in a very dark and pretty depressed mood. But I tried to be happy. And I tried to comfort my friend and suite mate when she discovered some sad news from home. But this darkness and this guilt just seemed to cloud every part of my mind and body. My boyfriend showed up and I tried to be all chipper and happy with him, but I didn't keep it up for too long. When sacrament started, I silently cried throughout the entire hour. I was thinking about him and asking my Father in heaven what I had done wrong in my life? Why did I fail this individual? Then I started thinking about how I didn't deserve my amazing friends and boyfriend. Especially my boyfriend. I couldn't get the thought that I was a dirty person and a bad influence and just not a good person out of my mind. And I knew he deserved better. Then I thought of my friends and how wonderful and amazing all of them are and how close to Heavenly Father they must be. And I wondered why I couldn't be like that. It was a very depressing Sunday! (I swear this all leads up to the whole asking questions thing!)
After church we went up to my dorm and I was just kind of melancholy with an occasional attempt to be happy and whatnot. He could tell that something was wrong though so eventually he asked about it. It took me a second, because I usually just brush people off with a "Oh no, I'm fine! Just tired is all!" But I wanted to be able to talk to someone. So I told him about my guilt and missing this individual and my inability to forgive myself. He helped me SO much. He just talked with me, encouraged me, showed me scriptures and eventually, very strongly, encouraged me to ask my home teacher for a blessing. I had already thought about it, and sent out a text saying I had a question I wanted to ask him, but I was still second guessing myself. (This second guessing and persuading took a pretty long time, I didn't feel like my problem was worth a blessing. Blessings, I thought, had to be for serious matters. This wasn't serious! This was just me being unable to get over something that had happened the year before.) Finally I just gave in and asked. It took until much later that night because of all the people that were constantly around, but that was okay.
When I finally received this blessing, I sobbed. And wept. And sobbed some more. Throughout the entire blessing and for like 10-20 minutes after! (that's what it seemed like to me anyway, I have no idea how long it really was) The blessing gave me so many answers and so much comfort that my heart and eyes burst like a dam. I still feel guilty and I still don't always feel like I was worth that blessing or that I deserved it, but I know what I need to do to help myself, and others. The poor kid that gave the blessing ended up getting quite a bit of mascara on his shirt afterwards!
Along with helping me with the guilt and being comforted, this blessing, I know, is God's way of telling me that it is okay to ask Him questions. That He is there for me and always will be. No problem or sorrow is too small. I just need to learn to ask the questions with an open heart, and just to ask the questions in general... And this applies to every other question I always feel bad asking. If I need help with something, I shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed or feel "not worthy" enough to ask a friend to help me. If I want a massage, gosh dang it I should ask for one! I know it's still going to take me a while before I actually do ask questions of people to help me or that have to do with me in general, but it's something I am going to start working on. And as long as I remember to lean on my Heavenly Father and His help and comfort, as well as the friends I have, I know everything will be okay :)
I always feel awful asking people to help me. I feel like I am taking precious time out of their lives that they could be putting to better use elsewhere: helping themselves, helping other people who need it a lot more than me, doing something fun and entertaining, whatever! I feel guilty asking people to give me a massage when I hurt, give me a blessing when I hurt in a different way, come listen to me do this monologue or song and critique me and help me get better (that one isn't as hard, but it takes forever and a day before I finally just go and ask the dang question), listen to me vent, give me a hug, come hang out with me, asking for food, etc. etc. etc. I feel guilty asking ALL those questions! And it's ridiculous I know, but true.
I even have a hard time asking Heavenly Father for help when I know there are other people out there that need His help and His guidance way more than me. And I feel selfish for thinking of myself and for looking to Him for help. Stupid? Yes. True? Yes. I just don't feel like I am worth His time. My problems aren't that bad, I should be able to figure them out on my own.
On Saturday night...so just like 2 nights ago...I was pretty much consumed with this feeling of guilt for things that have happened in my past. I was SO grateful my suite mate was asleep and I didn't have a roommate. I was honestly sobbing on my knees next to my bed. Pitiful I know. I kept asking Heavenly Father "why?" Why did I still feel this guilt when I have done everything I have been told I have to do to be forgiven. Why didn't He answer my prayers? Why did I miss (insert name here), when all he was, was awful to me? Yes, he had his good moments, but almost everything that he did had an ulterior motive. He was emotionally abusive, he is most of the reason I feel so guilty all the time but try to hide it and when it comes out, holy cow, it pours! 1) I feel like I failed in my friendship with him. 2) Things happened with him that shouldn't have. Anyway, then I started asking why was I so selfish to just be asking all these questions about me? Why could I only really think about me? Why did I feel like no one cared? (When I know people love and care about me, I was busy wallowing and didn't try to think positively) Why did I fail at everything I tried to do right? (Friendship, repentance, etc.)
When I woke up on Sunday, it wasn't much better. I was still in a very dark and pretty depressed mood. But I tried to be happy. And I tried to comfort my friend and suite mate when she discovered some sad news from home. But this darkness and this guilt just seemed to cloud every part of my mind and body. My boyfriend showed up and I tried to be all chipper and happy with him, but I didn't keep it up for too long. When sacrament started, I silently cried throughout the entire hour. I was thinking about him and asking my Father in heaven what I had done wrong in my life? Why did I fail this individual? Then I started thinking about how I didn't deserve my amazing friends and boyfriend. Especially my boyfriend. I couldn't get the thought that I was a dirty person and a bad influence and just not a good person out of my mind. And I knew he deserved better. Then I thought of my friends and how wonderful and amazing all of them are and how close to Heavenly Father they must be. And I wondered why I couldn't be like that. It was a very depressing Sunday! (I swear this all leads up to the whole asking questions thing!)
After church we went up to my dorm and I was just kind of melancholy with an occasional attempt to be happy and whatnot. He could tell that something was wrong though so eventually he asked about it. It took me a second, because I usually just brush people off with a "Oh no, I'm fine! Just tired is all!" But I wanted to be able to talk to someone. So I told him about my guilt and missing this individual and my inability to forgive myself. He helped me SO much. He just talked with me, encouraged me, showed me scriptures and eventually, very strongly, encouraged me to ask my home teacher for a blessing. I had already thought about it, and sent out a text saying I had a question I wanted to ask him, but I was still second guessing myself. (This second guessing and persuading took a pretty long time, I didn't feel like my problem was worth a blessing. Blessings, I thought, had to be for serious matters. This wasn't serious! This was just me being unable to get over something that had happened the year before.) Finally I just gave in and asked. It took until much later that night because of all the people that were constantly around, but that was okay.
When I finally received this blessing, I sobbed. And wept. And sobbed some more. Throughout the entire blessing and for like 10-20 minutes after! (that's what it seemed like to me anyway, I have no idea how long it really was) The blessing gave me so many answers and so much comfort that my heart and eyes burst like a dam. I still feel guilty and I still don't always feel like I was worth that blessing or that I deserved it, but I know what I need to do to help myself, and others. The poor kid that gave the blessing ended up getting quite a bit of mascara on his shirt afterwards!
Along with helping me with the guilt and being comforted, this blessing, I know, is God's way of telling me that it is okay to ask Him questions. That He is there for me and always will be. No problem or sorrow is too small. I just need to learn to ask the questions with an open heart, and just to ask the questions in general... And this applies to every other question I always feel bad asking. If I need help with something, I shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed or feel "not worthy" enough to ask a friend to help me. If I want a massage, gosh dang it I should ask for one! I know it's still going to take me a while before I actually do ask questions of people to help me or that have to do with me in general, but it's something I am going to start working on. And as long as I remember to lean on my Heavenly Father and His help and comfort, as well as the friends I have, I know everything will be okay :)
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