New Year's Pants and Secret Scars

I'm not 100% sure what I want to communicate in this post. It's been about 8 months since I've posted anything. I guess it's been that long since I've felt like I had something worth sharing. 8 months since I felt like I had accomplished anything big or small that I felt like if I shared my experience maybe it would help someone else. (I don't want this to sound all dreary- I'm fine! Just sharing some thoughts as I try to decide what I actually want to say). I've had this title in my head for a bit over a week now. It's not even that great of a title. But since it wouldn't leave, I thought I'd type it out and see what came of it. I know many of you blogger types take forever writing and editing a post. I kind of just throw it all out there and hope for the best (and as few typos as possible).

2016 and 2017 were some hard years. They are some of the years I have felt the most useless. I felt like I was wasting away my life and that my contributions were meaningless. They are the years that I let my eating disorder intermittently get to the worst it's ever been, but did a pretty good job at letting people think I was getting better. They are the years I loved the hardest, but felt like I've lost the most or that the love was wasted. They are the years I've felt the most alone. They are the years that I let myself get lost in my own mind. I got lost in a constant barrage of comparison, loneliness, feelings of worthlessness, and of feeling unlovable, unwanted, broken, alone, and that I didn't deserve happiness. They are the years I've prayed the hardest, but felt too unworthy to receive an answer. I've always been a bit of an introvert, but these are some of the years where that tendency to avoid social situations turned into a legitimate fear to go to these things without a person there as my safety net. When I went alone or was left alone in group situations (where I didn't know the majority of the group fairly well) the dark lonely feelings that were all too common would cloud my vision and make me internally start to panic and feel unwanted. These two years are the years I let my body become covered in a patchwork quilt of internal and external self-inflicted scars. Most were invisible and covered by what I wore- but those days were the days I had to resist tears and flinching as people talked of hope, the future, and happiness. Those are the days I had to be sure not to flinch when I was held in a hug or patted on the arm because they unknowingly hit where I had channeled all my pain the night before and I was sure they knew and they were punishing me for doing such a silly thing. If my marks were visible I had days I scrambled to cover my shame in makeup and days I decided to brazenly walk with my flags of pain and hurt flying for all to see, and yet few saw.

Life is hard. I honestly couldn't tell you exactly how or why it started or why it went on for so long. I still cannot tell you why one of my first purchases after moving to southern Utah was a pack of kitchen knives. I told myself it was so I could put one in my car as a precaution. (You know, a woman by herself most days, I gotta make myself a bit of a harder target for creepers.) All I can tell you is that I hurt. I thought creating a physical wound would help ease the pain. And honestly, for a moment, it would numb the emotional pain. But it didn't work long. The pain would snap back like a rubber band being snapped on your bare skin, but it had an extra sting to it: Shame. Fear.

I was alone. I had very few people I was willing to reach out to, and even then I didn't always reach out to them because I felt like I was becoming a pest or unwanted and needed to keep my burdens, my pain, shame, and fear to myself. I felt broken. I felt like I would implode from the pain inside me. I would beg on my knees for the hurt to stop. Hope was difficult to find.

I'm going to change the subject for a moment. The plan is to tie this all together soon. I promise. And if I'm super unsuccessful... Oops!

This Christmas my older sister and I went after-Christmas sales shopping. No matter how poor we are, it's a bit of a tradition. We at least have to get my dad's next year birthday present. (His birthday is in December and we are HUGE on Christmas decorations, so we get him discounted Christmas lights every year- it's AWESOME.) Anyway! We decided to hit up Old Navy. We found these ridiculous gold and black patterned pants on clearance. Chelsea loved them and grabbed a pair to try on. She found my size and I told her that I would NOT buy them, but I would certainly try them on. Because ridiculousness and fun. Well, I tried them on and they actually looked pretty dang good! And then I saw that Chelsea was going to buy them. So, of course, I bought mine too! We had New Year's Pants! Con to our New Year's pants: They have to be hand-washed and have all sorts of special care instructions. Ain't nobody got time for that!

This is where I get quite silly. I love these pants. But as I was wearing them on New Year's Eve and getting a kick out of sharing them on Snapchat because of their ridiculous-ness, I started thinking about New Year's resolutions. I'm horrible at keeping up on resolutions and so I hadn't really thought about doing anything specific. But then there were so many goals I wanted to make and keep. I wanted to be happier, I wanted to be better at prayer and scripture study, I wanted to be okay, I wanted to feel less alone, I wanted to break out of my shell more and try to overcome this fear I get when I go to group situations alone, I wanted to get back in the habit of exercising and eating right. I wanted to make a future plan and finally get to grad school. I wanted to be a more motivated and service-oriented person. So yeah. I made this internal list and immediately got overwhelmed. Because dang it, I want all those things now.

When I get overwhelmed I tend to let my mind wander. So I stared at my lap (which was covered in these black and gold pants) and let my mind wander through the past couple years. At first, I thought about everything that I mentioned earlier- the pain, the loss, the loneliness, my uselessness, the scars, my shame, etc. But after a moment, I let myself remember all of the good. These years were so hard, but I learned so much. I learned more about compassion. I learned so much about love. I learned that I am a heckuva passionate person and that my emotions are not just a weakness, they are one of my strengths. I remembered that although I felt so incredibly alone, I also made some of the dearest friends I had ever had. When I feel strong enough to reach out, I have so many people that would come running in any way they could. I may have felt unworthy and too far from my Father in Heaven, but He had one of His servants on this Earth reach out to me and put me in a position where I felt His love for others and for myself every day. I was put in a position where I had to remember that we are never alone and to share that love and that reminder. I oftentimes felt like a hypocrite saying these words, telling these wonderful women in my congregation that we are never alone, but I always felt this huge confirmation in my heart and in my soul that this is true: WE ARE NEVER ALONE. In March of 2017 I was able to go with a friend to 4 different countries and she has become one of the dearest people in the world to me. I got to ride roller coasters with loved ones and spend Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years with my family. First time for all those consecutive holidays in about 5 years. I gained an unofficial goddaughter. I watched people fall in love. I've seen my family grow closer together and find strength through hardship. I've seen angels in my life, the lives of my family members, and the lives of my friends. I've moved to a place where I am able to actively participate in what I love to do. When I am on the stage performing I cannot even imagine that pain- it becomes a distant memory.

Remember the pants? This is where I get really, really silly. As I stared at my pants with a wandering mind, without really thinking about it, I created an analogy for myself. All of those beautiful and shiny moments are my gold. They are what makes life worth living and hope worth fighting for. Those moments will still often be surrounded by the dark, black cloud that we feel is unbearable and impossible to break through. But those dark, awful, scarring bits make the gold shine all the brighter. Could you imagine if those pants were gold and yellow, gold and green, gold and orange? It would still be beautiful, but the black is what makes the gold so bright. The black is what makes the gold a reminder to have hope, to keep forging through life, to remember that there is always sunshine on the other side of the cloud- just sometimes it is a really, really long and dense cloud. "The shadow proves the sunshine." We deserve to be happy, but heavens, we gotta fight for it sometimes. But it's always worth the fight. "Love alone is worth the fight." Find what you love. Find what makes you happy. Find your sunshine.

I know life won't be easy. More analogy! Like the care instructions of these lovely pants, it takes work to keep the gold shiny and to keep it from wearing away. I've moved to a place that is wonderful with the opportunities that I have, but it's so, so easy to fall back into my cloud. I'm not alone, but it's easy to feel like I am an island without a purpose. But I know the fight is worth it. I know there are days where I will lose a battle or two, but I also know that I can defeat dragons when I need to. I am still going to work towards all of the aforementioned New Year's resolutions, but I'm going to make it a bit easier. Instead of making all of these goals and failing at over half (and becoming super discouraged about it), I have made 3 main goals that all of these can fall under. 1) Spiritual health 2) Emotional health 3) Physical health. It's time to make myself a priority and not just a directionless blob on a bed. Besides, I have crazy New Year's Pants that I've now written a blog about. What more motivation do I need? ;)






PS- no one worry about the self-harm thing. It's been months since I've let anything happen (and before that one incident a couple months ago, it's been at least 6-7 months before that I think that anything has happened). I don't go to doctors if I can help it and I don't call hotlines. I have the people I reach out to if I need it. I'm sharing this information in the hopes that it will help someone else see that there are still reasons to fight their dragons. They can still find hope, faith, and love in their lives around the dragons they are constantly facing. This is far from a plea for help. I'm doing okay, but I appreciate your concern. :)

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