Loved and Lost, Fought and Won

One of my nearest and dearest friends recently posted a Facebook status about this last year and towards the end she said, “I have loved and lost, I fought and won… My war cry [for 2017] is love, love love.” It made me start reflecting on 2016 in a bit of a different way. Like everyone else in the world, 2016 was REALLY hard. Something in the air I guess. Love, happiness, peace, and purpose were incredibly hard for me to find and believe in. I’ve been letting cynicism paint my perspective on everything that had to do with those. I assumed they would never be mine anymore, especially love.

I went home for a little less than 3 weeks for Christmas and New Years so while I was home and on "break" from life, I began to really do some soul searching and finally admitted some things to myself that I had been trying to avoid.

#1: I need to reestablish my purpose. I need to find something that gets me out of bed every day and that helps me take the next step in my life. Time to get ready to leave this place I’ve grown to love after being here for about 5 years.

#2: I’m a mess and need to re-learn how to be independent. BUT I CAN FIX MYSELF. Time to buckle down and actually do it.

#3: (Now this one, I fought and fought and fought. I REALLY didn't want to admit this one to  myself. At all.) For the first time, I fell in love. And finally admitted it to myself amidst all the tears. Not just in “really like”, but in love. It wasn’t returned. And I felt broken. I felt like I was being teased by the powers that be. We are taught about love and eternal families and when I finally found something that could potentially lead to that, it was continually dangled in front of me and ripped away repeatedly. I felt like I lost so much and would forever be in this state. Near finally having love, but never near enough and always hurting.

(By the way, “in love” is a big deal for me. I don’t say those words lightly. Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays because of how important love is if that helps at all with some perspective. I’ve said “I love you” to one previous boyfriend, and I mostly said it because he said it to me first… and I felt bad… we’d been dating for months. I figured I should love him. So I said it. And always slightly regretted it. Sorry, friend if you are reading this! But you are about to get married to the love of your life so I’m sure you’ll be fine. :) And I love you as a wonderful friend!)

After some really needed conversations with my dearest and incredibly enlightened friend, I was able to work through some of my feelings. She told me that I was not broken. I’M not the one with a problem. I have a heart so full and so willing to love and be loved. I’ve been hurt before, but this is the deepest. It isn’t because I am broken. I am whole. I know how to recognize love. I hurt because I see this wonderful man who is so full of “friend and people love” and missing out on so many opportunities to learn what a deeper love really is. I’ve seen him struggle to even go on 2-3 dates with the same girl. This is all speculation and my thoughts, but he’s scared. He was deeply scarred by a past relationship. One of 2 he has been in. He doesn’t have a lot of experience and he doesn’t know what he is looking for and he almost ended up in a marriage that would not have left him happy. (She’s a wonderful person! It just wouldn’t have made them both the happiest they could be and in my opinion they wouldn't have been able to be their true selves.) It scared him how close to that he came. I feel like he is waiting for love to smack him in the face and then he will recognize it. But it’s in the small things. It’s fitting like a puzzle piece. It’s loving the way they giggle or squint their eyes when they smile. It’s being physically attracted to some of the smallest things- the curve of their arm, the arch of their nose, the pout of their lip, their ears (yes, that's been said to me, I laughed heartily). It’s the ability to talk about anything. It’s understanding one another. It’s listening. It’s wanting them to be happy and to be okay. So, although none of this will help us (because he won’t believe any of this or he will start negating it or whatever. I’ve seen it. I’ve heard it. It’s something he will have to learn on his own someday.) take a chance and see if something could be possible, it helps me recognize that I’M NOT BROKEN. I may have loved and lost, but I also loved and won. I learned how to love and what I need to start improving in how I love and how I look at life. And THAT is one of the most powerful lessons that can be gained in this life. It isn’t over, but it’s a good start.

(Brief interruption about something that bugs me... if you are interested in a person and you two are close and you get along and you've thought about MAYBE being in a relationship, you are physically attracted to one another, you love how they understand you and you understand them, you can talk about all the things, etc., etc.... JUST GO FOR IT. TRY the relationship! As my friend learned through his last relationship, if you stay close to the Lord, He will tell you if it isn't right, BUT YOU HAVE TO TRY IT FIRST. Ahem. I apologize. Just don't do what we did. See if you have a chance to be happy together. Don't wander around what-ifs and maybes for forever and then end up in a messier situation than you would be if you HAD tried and it didn't work out. TRY. If it doesn't work, then you no longer have to worry about your what-ifs and maybes and you will be one step closer to finding your love. Don't let your fear of pain stop you. Pain happens. It's a part of learning about love.)

All of the aforementioned realizations (that I hope point out that there's been more than just "relationship and the lack thereof issues" that have been on my plate...those are just what I decided to focus on...:P) in that lovely list I need to work on are going to be incredibly hard and cause a LOT of heartache, tears, pain, and more as I work at recovering from all of this mess. I’m going to fall. I’m going to get bruised. It’s going to feel like hell as I get up and go. I’m going to be walking through fire and ice as I fight to release what may have been and look forward to future loves and future lessons to learn. There are going to be days I don’t want to get up. I’m going to continue having moments of feeling abandoned and alone. And I’m allowed to take those moments and mourn and hurt. But I will also have to get up and keep going. I will not be alone. I have friends around the country that love me. I have all of the girls in my ward (congregation) that support me as their Relief Society President (society of women in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). I can lean on their love and faith in me if I need to. I have a beautiful family that will do whatever they can to help and support me. I have a Savior that will never leave my side. As I lay on the ground, my bed, or wherever I have physically or metaphorically fallen, I sob to Him and beg Him to help me sleep, to help me continue on my journey, and to help me keep this beautiful heart open. He will let me go through pain so that I can have greater compassion in the future and so I can help others and become a stronger person. But He does ease the pain. He encourages me. The Good Shepherd will never let me go. A friend told me the other day that I have just given Christ my favorite teddy bear, but that soon he will hand me a bigger or better one (you know that cute picture that goes around online? :D). I have not lost. I have won and will continue to win. “My war cry is love, love, love.”