I Understand
I can't give you a timeframe, but especially the past few weeks, I have developed so much more empathy, compassion, love, and understanding for my dear friends that suffer from depression and anxiety/panic attacks. I don't have depression, but I have definitely had some crazy emotional weeks that I think (from my incredibly limited knowledge and experience) have helped me to develop this empathy.
I never understood how someone would just stop doing the things they love. I didn't understand not being able to get yourself out of bed. I didn't understand how a panic or anxiety attack worked and how you could get to the point of your body inducing that. Etc., etc.
I had compassion, I had sympathy, and I respected that their/your experience was hard and different from mine. I mean, I had hard days, but a hard day is very different than hard weeks, months, and years. For those that deal with it all the time- I'm sorry. I love you. I understand a fraction of what you are going through now and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I have now had days where it took every ounce of my motivation to get out of bed and not because I was tired. I was scared, I was sad, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up until I had figured out my life, or until someone invented time travel and I could go back to a way easier time. I only did get out of bed because a friend was expecting me and I didn't want to come across as weak or like I was being overly dramatic or I got out of bed because I had work. I have had days where all I did was curl up and alternately become catatonic and a sobbing mess. On my days off I usually try to clean the house so it doesn't get out of control. I haven't been able to the past week or so. I plan to clean and plan to work out and I just lay there in a ball and think about what a slacker I am being. I LOVE working out. The last time I worked out was probably a week ago. And it took SO much mental effort to get me to do it. I didn't love it when I did it. I just went through the motions because it had been so long since the last workout and I knew I needed to. All I want to do is hide under blankets on a particularly comfortable couch. I don't even always want the owner of said couch to be home.
I understand the fear of talking about it. I have one friend that I have told bits and pieces. But because of the fear of being seen as dramatic, seeking attention, needy, a basket case, etc. I haven't told anyone the extent of my feelings, how often I cry, my fears, or the mini-anxiety attacks (I've read about anxiety and panic attacks and I'm 90% positive I haven't had one of those, so a "mini" one it is). I understand why you don't want to share. I get it. I feel it.
And life is good! There are a lot of decisions I have to make and it's stressful, sure, but it shouldn't be this bad. But I start thinking about one of the many decisions I have to make, where I am in life, where I want to be in life, where I had envisioned myself by the time I was 24, and I can't get past a few minutes usually. My heart starts pounding, my breathing gets faster, I get really warm, I start to cry, and I can't focus.
So this post is not "notice me, life is hard". I have help and I'm trusting my Father in Heaven to help me do the things I need to do. I'm working on working through all my crap and I'm working on kicking Satan into a very far corner of the world so he gets out of my head. This is me saying I love you. I understand what you are going through to a degree. I don't judge you. If you need to talk, if you just need to mentally know that someone out in the universe is supporting you, then I am here. You are strong. You CAN do it. But if you need a minute, an hour, a day to just lay down and take a break, I understand.
I never understood how someone would just stop doing the things they love. I didn't understand not being able to get yourself out of bed. I didn't understand how a panic or anxiety attack worked and how you could get to the point of your body inducing that. Etc., etc.
I had compassion, I had sympathy, and I respected that their/your experience was hard and different from mine. I mean, I had hard days, but a hard day is very different than hard weeks, months, and years. For those that deal with it all the time- I'm sorry. I love you. I understand a fraction of what you are going through now and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I have now had days where it took every ounce of my motivation to get out of bed and not because I was tired. I was scared, I was sad, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up until I had figured out my life, or until someone invented time travel and I could go back to a way easier time. I only did get out of bed because a friend was expecting me and I didn't want to come across as weak or like I was being overly dramatic or I got out of bed because I had work. I have had days where all I did was curl up and alternately become catatonic and a sobbing mess. On my days off I usually try to clean the house so it doesn't get out of control. I haven't been able to the past week or so. I plan to clean and plan to work out and I just lay there in a ball and think about what a slacker I am being. I LOVE working out. The last time I worked out was probably a week ago. And it took SO much mental effort to get me to do it. I didn't love it when I did it. I just went through the motions because it had been so long since the last workout and I knew I needed to. All I want to do is hide under blankets on a particularly comfortable couch. I don't even always want the owner of said couch to be home.
I understand the fear of talking about it. I have one friend that I have told bits and pieces. But because of the fear of being seen as dramatic, seeking attention, needy, a basket case, etc. I haven't told anyone the extent of my feelings, how often I cry, my fears, or the mini-anxiety attacks (I've read about anxiety and panic attacks and I'm 90% positive I haven't had one of those, so a "mini" one it is). I understand why you don't want to share. I get it. I feel it.
And life is good! There are a lot of decisions I have to make and it's stressful, sure, but it shouldn't be this bad. But I start thinking about one of the many decisions I have to make, where I am in life, where I want to be in life, where I had envisioned myself by the time I was 24, and I can't get past a few minutes usually. My heart starts pounding, my breathing gets faster, I get really warm, I start to cry, and I can't focus.
So this post is not "notice me, life is hard". I have help and I'm trusting my Father in Heaven to help me do the things I need to do. I'm working on working through all my crap and I'm working on kicking Satan into a very far corner of the world so he gets out of my head. This is me saying I love you. I understand what you are going through to a degree. I don't judge you. If you need to talk, if you just need to mentally know that someone out in the universe is supporting you, then I am here. You are strong. You CAN do it. But if you need a minute, an hour, a day to just lay down and take a break, I understand.
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