How my Weight Loss Journey is a Lie: Be Brave

This is not the easiest of posts to write, but I think it may need to be said. Probably more for my sake than for anyone else's, but if I can help someone with this post then it's worth it!

First of all, thanks to those of you who have complimented me lately on my weight loss. I really do appreciate them more than I can say! I know I shouldn't be so focused on how I physically appear, but my body has always bothered me. I've never been happy with it, but lately I haven't had quite as many complaints for myself. A few people have asked how I did it. I usually give some sort of vague answer about eating less/healthier and working out. the majority of that statement is true. But here's how I really lost 25-35 pounds in under 3 months:

I stopped eating.

I kept working out. If I had to eat it was incredibly small amounts and I tried to find something healthy.

It started out small. I only ate one-two normal meals a day. Then it kept going down and down as I saw the results on the scale, in the mirror, and with how my clothes fit. I got to the point where I could go 3-5 days only snacking on something small once in those 3-5 days.

Twice, I made myself throw-up after I'd eaten more than I had wanted to. You better believe I sobbed when I realized what I was turning myself in to.

Can you see why this post is hard? Who wants to admit that?! Who wants to say that they purposefully did something they know is stupid just because it makes them feel better about how they look? You know what's worse? I also did it to see if it would maybe make me more attractive and beautiful enough to finally get someone to ask me on a date or at least seem remotely interested in me as a woman and not a friend, sister, acquaintance, or that one guy's friend. That was by no means the main reason, it was more of a subconscious one that I realized later was a much bigger factor than I had originally thought. That's when I started thinking about how I needed to fix myself a bit.

Then we had costume fittings for a show and were told not to gain weight so the measurements would be fine when we actually got the costumes in. Then the compliments started coming in. Then I got a bunch of new (to me) clothes. Then I felt pretty. Then we had Christmas break. I gained ten pounds. I came back- I've been back for a little over a week- I've already lost 5. When I eat, it is to prove to certain friends that I am eating and back on the right track. If I'm not with them, I'm not eating.

But I know it's wrong. I know it is inhibiting my happiness in many ways. I know it is something I need to fix.

Food shouldn't be the enemy. But it is. I eat it, I feel guilty. I don't eat it, I feel guilty but a little bit proud. I'm terrified of it. I eat it, I imagine the scale going up 5+ pounds. I don't eat it, and I imagine the scale going down 1-2 pounds. It's a vicious little thought process I've developed.

I'm not saying, "help me," "stop complimenting me," or anything remotely similar. I'm saying... don't judge me when I gain the weight back. Don't get upset if you see me purposefully not eat something (especially if it is junk food, but even if it is healthy food! Maybe I've already eaten, maybe I'm just having a bad day when it comes to overcoming this particular obstacle). Don't come and pat me on the back if you do see me eating.

Actually, you know what? I've discovered part of my purpose in writing this and why I was kind of prompted to do so. I'm saying don't judge a book by its cover. Don't assume you know everything about a person. So many people are struggling with SO much in their lives and we never even begin to scratch the surface. Sure, this problem is a little deeper than surface level, but there is certainly much more going on in my life that I keep buried under my childish actions and happy-go-lucky attitude. One of my nearest and dearest friends who has known about this problem since almost the beginning knows a good chunk of what is going on in my life... but he still doesn't know everything. And it's the same for everyone you meet. Congratulate on successes, encourage those that feel like they've failed, make everyone feel beautiful for being who they are, but don't begin to judge if it seems like they are giving up, or are taking a few steps back. Sometimes those steps back are what are giving us/you the momentum to eventually fly forward.

You know Harry Potter and Pottermore and the houses and stuff, right? Well, I got sorted into Gryffndor. I laughed happily and thought it was great fun and I told a friend... he laughed and then scoffed at me a bit and sarcastically/jokingly said, "Ha! Yeah, you are so brave..." And I just laughed and went along, but it stung. (Also, there is far more to being a Gryffindor than just being brave, but whatever! :P) You can't see the brave decisions someone makes every day. Socializing scares the crap out of me- "What if I come across as stupid? What if I mispronounce a word or talk too fast or just come across as a snob or an idiot or something?! What if I offend them?" My brain freezes anytime I talk to someone I don't know well... But I do it. I try. Every day. Talking to friends' parents scares me too! There is so much pressure to be a friend that parents approve of and I want to come across as myself and a good person and ahhh! Pressure in social situations = NO GOOD. Food and weight gain scare me. But these are all something I'm trying to overcome. More little things I'm working on/proving I can be brave- no matter how small: I'm often the friend that says, "hey, we need to talk..." even if I know the outcome won't be favorable to me. I'm writing this blog post! This is some scary crap to just throw out into the the internet world! I am continuing to try and live my life the best I can even though I have no idea where life is taking me next and it scares me. I'm trying to make choices. I encourage friends to reach out and make friends with and date others and become close with all of these other people because I want them to have a close group of friends when I leave... even if I'm scared of being completely replaced and forgotten. You don't always know someone's battles. Every single one of us is brave in some way. Believe it. You can be scared. But don't let it consume you. Move past it. Discover why you are scared, find a way to get around it or even just barrel through! Start small. It doesn't matter how small- it's still brave. If nothing else, I think you are brave and I believe that you can overcome those fears. Your act of bravery can encourage others to be strong. This blog post never would have happened if 1) A friend of mine on Facebook hasn't been so open about her struggles with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, fibromyalgia, etc. and 2) I hadn't felt a wee prompting telling me to go for it. I would have ignored the prompting for as long as possible if it hadn't been for reason #1 up there.  Stand strong- even if it is just while standing in front of the mirror by yourself and telling yourself you are brave/beautiful/whatever you need. I can do it. YOU can do it.

"Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us. We can't know what form they'll take. One day, old man. Next day, little girl. But don't let appearances fool you, they can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they're not here to fight our battles, but to whisper from our heart. Reminding that it's us. It's everyone of us who holds power over the world we create.

And finally this question, the mystery of who's story it will be. Of who draws the curtain. Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance? Who drives us mad? Lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it, that does all of these things?

Who honors those we love for the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we will never die? Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us? And who holds the key that can set us free... It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now Fight!" -Zack Snyder