Please Be Braver Than Me

This isn't going to be one of my usual faith-filled, happy-go-lucky kind of posts so leave now if you are looking for a pick me up! ...But just going to put it out there that life is hard.

There is a major challenge in my life right now that has me all kinds of crazy... I'm going to quote a VERY long text message I sent a friend after she asked me how I was doing. I don't think she quite expected this answer.

"You asked me if I was okay. And that has a very complicated answer. Yes, I'm technically okay. And honestly I love seeing *insert a lot things I really have loved about myself lately*. At the same time I hate myself for those exact same things... *insert some more reasons* I want to ask for help but I'm scared to and secretly don't want it at all. If I pray about it I can tell I don't mean it because *insert more reasons*. I'm scared that when I REALLY start to work on it I'm just going to fall right back into my self loathing I try to hide. I want to ask for Priesthood help and yet I want nothing to do with it. I want to find my divine worth. But not at the expense of [these things I love about what's happening.]...*insert lots more stuff* I'm dizzy, I nearly pass out a couple times a week, I get a weird sound in my ears, and it is so hard to focus and keep up appearances. I don't know how to fix this and huge part of me doesn't want to. I'm scared of what is going to happen if I keep going and I'm scared of what is going to happen to me if I don't. So to answer your question... I don't know how I'm doing. Obviously not exactly 100%. I love you. Don't worry. I don't know what you can do for me since a huge part of me doesn't want it. But I love you and I promise I'm trying to fix my brain. It's just proving very hard. Don't worry though. I'll be fine."

Why do we do that? Why do we say "I'll be fine" and "don't worry." Obviously I am not fine. Obviously this is something that I should let people worry about. Why do we feel this need to make sure no one thinks we are struggling as badly as we are? Why do we have to ensure someone else feels comfortable and has an "out" from a potentially awkward situation when internally we are screaming for help- even if we don't know how they can help? Why is it so hard for us, me, to say, "Please help me. I don't know how and I will probably reject it MANY times, but I promise you that I am internally screaming for help and I know I need it- even if I don't want to accept it. Please worry. Please check-up. Please let me know that you care and love me despite my faults"?

I can't answer that. I don't know. All I know is that it is what I do EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I am struggling with something so intensely personal. Please be braver than me. Please seek and accept help. Let people worry about you when you are struggling. Let them know you are fine when you are ACTUALLY fine and not just pretending so the people around you aren't made uncomfortable. Vocalize your inner screams- even if very quietly and only through writing. Let those around you SEE you. They love you. They need you. Be vulnerable. Be brave. Be braver than me. I believe in you despite the lack of belief in myself.

Comments

  1. MartieOctober 26, 2015 at 9:08 PM

    You are brave to say this much, dear. Thank you for your perspective. I needed that reminder for my benefit and that of a friend this week. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jaz.HaleyOctober 27, 2015 at 9:46 AM

      Thank you, Martie. I'm glad the post was able to help in some way. :)

      Delete

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