To my Friends, with all my heart:
To my darling, wonderful and fantastic friends,
I love you. From the very inner most depths of my soul, I love you. I want to ask forgiveness for any wrong or injury I have done towards you. You are the light of my life and the reason I have become who I am today, and the reason I keep trying to progress to reach my potential. So thank you, thank you so much for being a shoulder for me to cry on, a cuddle buddy for me to curl up with, a confidant to confide in, and someone I can laugh with until I cannot breathe and start squeaking like a maniac. You will never be able to know how much you mean to me.
I want you to know about the facade and the mask I put on while I am around you. I've realized that a lot of my internal issues and struggles come from the fact that I am not always myself when I am around people. Who is? We are all still learning who we are, and we will never completely understand who we are until we are with our Father in Heaven. My main mask is one of a klutz who lacks common sense, cannot stop talking, and is the brunt of jokes. Is this still a part of me? Oh yes! And she is a very important part of me. But there is more. Many of it is even the complete opposite. We are all made up of opposites.
When the time and situation calls for it, I am an incredibly calm, quiet, serious, and contemplative person. I love meditation and silence. Even while I am joking around and pretending like I am perfectly content being seen as the one that will always make the stupid mistake- I am thinking. I am observing. I am feeling the energies in a room and trying to read the people around me. My brain is never quiet. I've discovered that it hurts when people cannot see that I am hurting- but I don't do anything about it. I put on my mask and carry on. What else is there to do? I try so hard to be a shoulder to cry on, a person for you to talk to, and someone to make you laugh. I need to be strong. I cannot show my real weaknesses, and if I do, it has to be melodramatic and funny so you don't actually see how much I am hurting and/or struggling.
One of my biggest pet peeves is people assuming I am stupid or ignorant. I am an incredibly intelligent human being. To many people grades mean nothing, but I would just like to point out that I graduated from high school with a 3.96, my community college with a 3.99 (AFA degree) and with my Bachelor's degree with a 4.0. I am intelligent. I can reason. I do have common sense. What happens is that I put on whatever mask people expect me to be. People expect me to be the klutz that is a bit ditz-y and always laughing and becoming the center of attention. So that's what I do. But I always wonder, "Can these people see me for who I really am? Can they at least see that there is more to me than what they are seeing/hearing? Can they see how much I am struggling right now?" This is where my chosen vocation (acting) comes in either REALLY handy, or as a major detriment. I can make you believe there is nothing wrong and that there is nothing more than the hyper girl on caffeine who is having a blast just making you laugh at her. I have one friend who can tell when something is a bit off, but can't say what it is. I have another who I tell absolutely EVERYTHING to (I tell the aforementioned friend everything as well). He knows WAY too much about me. And he just blames my mood swings on me being a girl and on my lovely time of the month. When really, the things that have been bothering me have been swirling around inside me for weeks.
Now, this post is not all about how depressed I am, because I'm not depressed. This post is about how we need to try and remember to see people as they really are. We need to remember that they have something deeper going on inside of them. We need to see that they are having internal struggles too. We need to see that people are intelligent, caring, and dying to be loved. There is a line from a song by the Nashville Tribute Band called Pilate's Wife. I have one line on repeat in my head right now- "One woman in all her glory, has no place in this man's story. Whether king or vagabond, doesn't matter right or wrong. Please hear me." The 'please hear me' is what gets me every time I hear it. That first bit is in forte and practically demands respect. Then the sound breaks, and very quietly she sings and begs for someone to hear her. That is all she wants. She wants to be noticed and for the important things in her life to be heard by someone that can help her.
I know that I have been incredibly blessed with some wonderful people in my life. I know that the Lord has put them there for me to learn from and to help teach. I know that it is possible to feel the Spirit in my life as long as I am working on doing what He asks me to. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know he loves me and understands every pain, struggle, and crushed hopes. I know that He loves me for all eternity and is always guiding my path if I can just listen close enough to what He is trying to tell me.
So this is my apology to you, my friends. This is me saying, "I am sorry I haven't shown you more of me. I just know I need to be strong, and I don't want to complain. But please, please, please know that there is more to me than falling down, being a bit of a ditz, laughing, making you laugh AT me, being hyper on caffeine and after naps, etc. etc. I have depth. I have incredibly intense emotions and empathy. And despite the impression of being a ditz- I am actually intelligent and can really be a help in a pinch. I make my problems into jokes so that I can say them and vent for a moment, but by being happy so you can't realize how much they worry me. I want you to know that I am more than an entertainment center. I love you."
I love you. From the very inner most depths of my soul, I love you. I want to ask forgiveness for any wrong or injury I have done towards you. You are the light of my life and the reason I have become who I am today, and the reason I keep trying to progress to reach my potential. So thank you, thank you so much for being a shoulder for me to cry on, a cuddle buddy for me to curl up with, a confidant to confide in, and someone I can laugh with until I cannot breathe and start squeaking like a maniac. You will never be able to know how much you mean to me.
I want you to know about the facade and the mask I put on while I am around you. I've realized that a lot of my internal issues and struggles come from the fact that I am not always myself when I am around people. Who is? We are all still learning who we are, and we will never completely understand who we are until we are with our Father in Heaven. My main mask is one of a klutz who lacks common sense, cannot stop talking, and is the brunt of jokes. Is this still a part of me? Oh yes! And she is a very important part of me. But there is more. Many of it is even the complete opposite. We are all made up of opposites.
When the time and situation calls for it, I am an incredibly calm, quiet, serious, and contemplative person. I love meditation and silence. Even while I am joking around and pretending like I am perfectly content being seen as the one that will always make the stupid mistake- I am thinking. I am observing. I am feeling the energies in a room and trying to read the people around me. My brain is never quiet. I've discovered that it hurts when people cannot see that I am hurting- but I don't do anything about it. I put on my mask and carry on. What else is there to do? I try so hard to be a shoulder to cry on, a person for you to talk to, and someone to make you laugh. I need to be strong. I cannot show my real weaknesses, and if I do, it has to be melodramatic and funny so you don't actually see how much I am hurting and/or struggling.
One of my biggest pet peeves is people assuming I am stupid or ignorant. I am an incredibly intelligent human being. To many people grades mean nothing, but I would just like to point out that I graduated from high school with a 3.96, my community college with a 3.99 (AFA degree) and with my Bachelor's degree with a 4.0. I am intelligent. I can reason. I do have common sense. What happens is that I put on whatever mask people expect me to be. People expect me to be the klutz that is a bit ditz-y and always laughing and becoming the center of attention. So that's what I do. But I always wonder, "Can these people see me for who I really am? Can they at least see that there is more to me than what they are seeing/hearing? Can they see how much I am struggling right now?" This is where my chosen vocation (acting) comes in either REALLY handy, or as a major detriment. I can make you believe there is nothing wrong and that there is nothing more than the hyper girl on caffeine who is having a blast just making you laugh at her. I have one friend who can tell when something is a bit off, but can't say what it is. I have another who I tell absolutely EVERYTHING to (I tell the aforementioned friend everything as well). He knows WAY too much about me. And he just blames my mood swings on me being a girl and on my lovely time of the month. When really, the things that have been bothering me have been swirling around inside me for weeks.
Now, this post is not all about how depressed I am, because I'm not depressed. This post is about how we need to try and remember to see people as they really are. We need to remember that they have something deeper going on inside of them. We need to see that they are having internal struggles too. We need to see that people are intelligent, caring, and dying to be loved. There is a line from a song by the Nashville Tribute Band called Pilate's Wife. I have one line on repeat in my head right now- "One woman in all her glory, has no place in this man's story. Whether king or vagabond, doesn't matter right or wrong. Please hear me." The 'please hear me' is what gets me every time I hear it. That first bit is in forte and practically demands respect. Then the sound breaks, and very quietly she sings and begs for someone to hear her. That is all she wants. She wants to be noticed and for the important things in her life to be heard by someone that can help her.
I know that I have been incredibly blessed with some wonderful people in my life. I know that the Lord has put them there for me to learn from and to help teach. I know that it is possible to feel the Spirit in my life as long as I am working on doing what He asks me to. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know he loves me and understands every pain, struggle, and crushed hopes. I know that He loves me for all eternity and is always guiding my path if I can just listen close enough to what He is trying to tell me.
So this is my apology to you, my friends. This is me saying, "I am sorry I haven't shown you more of me. I just know I need to be strong, and I don't want to complain. But please, please, please know that there is more to me than falling down, being a bit of a ditz, laughing, making you laugh AT me, being hyper on caffeine and after naps, etc. etc. I have depth. I have incredibly intense emotions and empathy. And despite the impression of being a ditz- I am actually intelligent and can really be a help in a pinch. I make my problems into jokes so that I can say them and vent for a moment, but by being happy so you can't realize how much they worry me. I want you to know that I am more than an entertainment center. I love you."
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