Re-Planting the Seed
Well folks, today has been a hard day to stay positive. However, a lot of good has happened in my life recently and I just feel the need to share!
First off, since this blog was supposed to be about my dreams... one of them is coming true. I GET TO RECORD!!! I mean, it isn't a perfect fulfillment of my dream since I don't get to sing whatever I want, and be all by myself in the studio. But I still get to record. The cast of Little Women is recording the original music so we can all have copies and I am unbelievably happy!!! Hooray for dreams coming true, no matter how small :)
Now, as I think most people know... I've had a really hard time up here at SVU. I just haven't been a fan and I have missed home and Western and people SO much. I also lost touch with a lot of the spiritual parts of my life. I think I was angry at God for some reason because I had no one else to blame. I received a blessing a few weeks ago because I was absolutely and miserably sick. I wasn't going to ask for a blessing because they always say the same thing when I am sick "you will have to go through this sickness, but you will have the strength and energy to get what needs to get done, done." However, I was persuaded. This blessing was extraordinarily different. It talked about how I could be healed right then and there if I asked in faith, among other things. My Heavenly Father said that if I asked in faith, and not out of need or want, but true faith, that I could be healed that night.
Awesome, right? But scary. Faith seems like such an easy concept to grasp, but for someone as literal as I am... it isn't always that simple... so I took 5-10 minutes to myself and prayed. And cried. And prayed some more. I even whispered it so it would be out loud. I felt better for about 2-3 hours and I couldn't have been more thrilled! THEN the next day I felt worse than I had the day before. I didn't get it, I still don't get why it happened. In fact, I'm STILL recovering from parts of that sickness. I prayed and prayed and asked for understanding. I asked for guidance. I asked for faith. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
This helped/encouraged my lack of spirituality even more, in case you were wondering :P However, I still tried. I cried and cried and prayed and prayed to my Heavenly Father for help. For days I prayed aloud and tried to feel something, anything. Nothing happened. I just felt empty, rather alone. It was one of the worst feelings I had ever experienced in my life.
A few days ago I decided I needed to get back on the scripture reading wagon! I hadn't left it for too long, but I knew I didn't want to get completely out of the habit because I would regret it. I didn't have time that morning because I was late for class. I had a couple hours for a break later that day and I took out my scriptures and, on an impulse, a pen. I was reading in the Book of Mormon in Alma, chapter 26. I couldn't stop underlining! There was so much about faith, and rejoicing in the Lord and how to come closer to him. Then I read verse 27: Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success.
Welp, I burst into tears. I had internally replaced the words "go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites" with all of the problems, upsets, etc. I was having and immediately broke down. I read the rest of the chapter, all the while underlining up a storm with my pen and couldn't stop the tears streaming down my cheeks. The feeling in my heart was one of love, appreciation, understanding and compassion. I knew right then that the Lord loved me, cared for me, was worried for me and wanted me to know that He is ALWAYS there. I am the one that pushes Him away. I immediately started praying and thanking Him for all that He has given me, and asked Him for help on my journey towards re-planting that little seed of Faith in my heart again.
I think it was the next night some of my friends were discussing Patriarchal Blessings and I had the BIGGEST urge to go and re-read mine. I finished as much of the conversation as I could and basically ran home to read mine. I read it and, again, burst into tears. I always find new things in my Blessing that are applicable to me right then and there. This time I noticed how many times He told me He loved me and wanted me to talk with Him as a friend. Boy, oh boy, was I mess or what? Again, more praying ensued.
Do I still have my ups and downs? But of course. Am I still struggling? Duh. Am I trying to lean more on my Heavenly Father and discover what faith REALLY feels like? Oh, yes.
I am by no means now perfect at saying my prayers and reading my scriptures on a regular basis, but I am trying. I mean, this all only happened a couple days ago and I've already messed up, but I know my Heavenly Father is with me. He will NEVER leave me. I always have the chance to have Him with me, but it depends completely on me.
Let's see how well this little lily (I want it to be a lily... so it is a lily :P) that is starting out as a seed in my heart grows.
First off, since this blog was supposed to be about my dreams... one of them is coming true. I GET TO RECORD!!! I mean, it isn't a perfect fulfillment of my dream since I don't get to sing whatever I want, and be all by myself in the studio. But I still get to record. The cast of Little Women is recording the original music so we can all have copies and I am unbelievably happy!!! Hooray for dreams coming true, no matter how small :)
Now, as I think most people know... I've had a really hard time up here at SVU. I just haven't been a fan and I have missed home and Western and people SO much. I also lost touch with a lot of the spiritual parts of my life. I think I was angry at God for some reason because I had no one else to blame. I received a blessing a few weeks ago because I was absolutely and miserably sick. I wasn't going to ask for a blessing because they always say the same thing when I am sick "you will have to go through this sickness, but you will have the strength and energy to get what needs to get done, done." However, I was persuaded. This blessing was extraordinarily different. It talked about how I could be healed right then and there if I asked in faith, among other things. My Heavenly Father said that if I asked in faith, and not out of need or want, but true faith, that I could be healed that night.
Awesome, right? But scary. Faith seems like such an easy concept to grasp, but for someone as literal as I am... it isn't always that simple... so I took 5-10 minutes to myself and prayed. And cried. And prayed some more. I even whispered it so it would be out loud. I felt better for about 2-3 hours and I couldn't have been more thrilled! THEN the next day I felt worse than I had the day before. I didn't get it, I still don't get why it happened. In fact, I'm STILL recovering from parts of that sickness. I prayed and prayed and asked for understanding. I asked for guidance. I asked for faith. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
This helped/encouraged my lack of spirituality even more, in case you were wondering :P However, I still tried. I cried and cried and prayed and prayed to my Heavenly Father for help. For days I prayed aloud and tried to feel something, anything. Nothing happened. I just felt empty, rather alone. It was one of the worst feelings I had ever experienced in my life.
A few days ago I decided I needed to get back on the scripture reading wagon! I hadn't left it for too long, but I knew I didn't want to get completely out of the habit because I would regret it. I didn't have time that morning because I was late for class. I had a couple hours for a break later that day and I took out my scriptures and, on an impulse, a pen. I was reading in the Book of Mormon in Alma, chapter 26. I couldn't stop underlining! There was so much about faith, and rejoicing in the Lord and how to come closer to him. Then I read verse 27: Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success.
Welp, I burst into tears. I had internally replaced the words "go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites" with all of the problems, upsets, etc. I was having and immediately broke down. I read the rest of the chapter, all the while underlining up a storm with my pen and couldn't stop the tears streaming down my cheeks. The feeling in my heart was one of love, appreciation, understanding and compassion. I knew right then that the Lord loved me, cared for me, was worried for me and wanted me to know that He is ALWAYS there. I am the one that pushes Him away. I immediately started praying and thanking Him for all that He has given me, and asked Him for help on my journey towards re-planting that little seed of Faith in my heart again.
I think it was the next night some of my friends were discussing Patriarchal Blessings and I had the BIGGEST urge to go and re-read mine. I finished as much of the conversation as I could and basically ran home to read mine. I read it and, again, burst into tears. I always find new things in my Blessing that are applicable to me right then and there. This time I noticed how many times He told me He loved me and wanted me to talk with Him as a friend. Boy, oh boy, was I mess or what? Again, more praying ensued.
Do I still have my ups and downs? But of course. Am I still struggling? Duh. Am I trying to lean more on my Heavenly Father and discover what faith REALLY feels like? Oh, yes.
I am by no means now perfect at saying my prayers and reading my scriptures on a regular basis, but I am trying. I mean, this all only happened a couple days ago and I've already messed up, but I know my Heavenly Father is with me. He will NEVER leave me. I always have the chance to have Him with me, but it depends completely on me.
Let's see how well this little lily (I want it to be a lily... so it is a lily :P) that is starting out as a seed in my heart grows.
Comments
Post a Comment